Dream

The other day I had a bad day at work. Not just a bad day, but a-quit-this-job day! It was coming. This year has been a hard school year. I can't put my finger on any one thing but it has been enough to make me reconsider if this is something I want to do until I am old and gray...I dye so it'll be awhile before I'm gray. :)

That night I had a dream that I wanted to share. I think I understand parts of it but not all. That's okay, because God reveals when He does.

I was on some kind of journey. I felt a pull to keep going. Soon I was trying to navigate through a large playing field that was full of kids and coaches. It was hard to get through because there were so many kids and they kept playing the various games as I walked right through them. Many, most, of the students would stop and say "hello". I said "hello" to many of them but there were just too many. I realized I just wanted to get through the sea of kids and on with my journey.

I finally got through and entered a building. The room I entered had a door on the other side and when I first entered it was just plain and kind of dark. As I started to walk to the other door I realized that there was some sort of large object that I had to climb over to get to the door. As I got to it the room turned into a room full of cobwebs that just got thicker and thicker. I climbed over the object and moved the cobwebs out of the way to get over the object and out the door.

Once I got out the door I was in a restaurant that was closed. I loved the restaurant and wanted to stay there, but I felt the need to continue. I left the restaurant, but stopped on the street and looked back. I turned and kept going. All of a sudden I was in a car and it was now very dark. I realized that it was early morning. The problem was I couldn't see. My vision was very blurry. I felt like my contacts had been taken out. All I could really see was the yellow line and the headlights of cars coming toward me. I kept thinking I was going to die and I need to pull over. But there was no where to pull over and I had this pull that kept me going.

Then I cried out to God to help me! Instantly it was daylight and I could see clearly. I continued driving and was so thankful that God had made the sun shine and my vision clear. Then I woke up.

I could analyze the dream and I have, but the most important part for me was the end. When I finally called out to God and He lit the way and restored my sight. I realize that He can make things clear but not necessarily make the final destination come into view. I still had no idea where I was going, but I knew Who was leading me.

Overwhelmed!!

Usually when I think of being overwhelmed it is for a negative reason. Like too much paperwork and testing at school. Or maybe more bills than money. But right now I am overwhelmed by God!


I am going to Kenya in July. I need to raise a lot of money to go. The amount is a bit staggering. But as soon as I heard about Kenya, actually read it on Geoffrey Janes' FB status I felt the Spirit leap within me. I knew at that moment that I was going to Kenya. I have to admit when I saw how much it would cost I was a bit taken back, but I still knew I would go. The amount still seems impossible but I know it's not, not for Him.


I started a prayer support group. One by one a few friends have asked to be added. Then I got a request from someone I don't know. I know all their are FB scammers out there so I was a bit wary at first. I clicked on the person's name and saw that she was friends with one of my close friends and her mother. I knew that she must have heard about me from them. I was overwhelmed that someone I didn't know wanted to pray for me and my trip to Kenya.


A few minutes ago I got an email forwarded to me from my Mom. One of her friends said that she is going to give to my trip as well. I do not know this friend of hers.


I am simply overwhelmed that God has used two people I do not know to support this trip to Kenya. I am so excited about going. I am excited to see a whole new continent. To see the Indian Ocean. To see animals we only see in zoos in the United States. But I am most excited to see how God is going to use me. I am most excited to see how God is going to change me, grow me. I am simply overwhelmed!

Do You Ever Wonder...

Do you ever go through an experience and wonder, "how is God going to use this?" I do. I wonder it a lot, especially lately.

Looking back over my life I can see so many times when something I went through has had an impact later in my life. I can see things that I went through as a kid helping me in my teaching. They were painful experiences but I see how God uses them to allow me to help my students. I can understand the pain and confusion of divorce. I can understand learning problems and the feelings of lack of self worth associated with it. I can remember the times friends didn't act like friends. I remember the times when mean girls were mean in ways that making you feel like you've been sucker punched. Unfortunately, I can also remember the times I wasn't really a friend. I can remember the times when I intentionally hurt others and the times I unintentionally did. Every time I think of one of those times I remember the hurt in my friends voice when she let me know I had hurt her. If I learned nothing else from that day I learned to choose my words more carefully.

But I don't only wonder about it with the bad things. I wonder with the seemingly unimportant times too. I wonder what good will come out of them. I wonder if they will bring about a new experience. I wonder if I will ever know what will come of it. I can think of so many things that have happened over my life that seem to have nothing come of them, yet any way.

Tonight I was sitting in church at the last class of five leadership classes. I thought, "I wonder why God had me come to these classes?" Lately, I have been getting the sense that God is going to do something new in my life. I wonder if some sort of leadership role will be part of that change.

I guess I don't think of myself as the typical leader type. I always think of leaders as outgoing. I'm more of an introvert. Usually I do tasks that are out of the limelight. I'm not saying I don't have strengths that leaders have because I do, but I wonder if they are enough. Then I remember that I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me! If He is calling me to a leadership role then He will give me the strength to do it.

As I'm writing this I realize that an excitement is growing within me for what He is doing, even if I don't know what it is yet! :)

There is None Like You, God!

Last Sunday my pastor, Pastor Rob, told us about the revival meetings that another local church was having and that they had asked other local churches to lift them up in prayer. Well, it seems that no one was taking them up on the offer, accept Pastor Rob. The revival is a 12 day event and Pastor Rob asked 120 people to gather this Friday evening to pray.

Well, it became more than prayer. There was worship and then we watched the message brought by Matt Chandler that night. When I pulled into the parking lot there weren't many cars and even though it was a little before 7, when it was supposed to begin, I wasn't sure that 120 people would show up.

The time of prayer and worship was wonderful! There was a time when we were asked to pray alone and ask God to search our hearts. This was the sweetest part of the prayer and worship time for me. I had been thinking lately about pride and I spent this time talking with God about prayer.

I think pride is interesting. There is obvious pride. Everyone knows a prideful person, someone who brags about EVERYTHING! But there is a much more subtle pride. The kind of pride that no one else seems to notice as pride, the kind you don't even realize is pride. The kind that says, "I have to do this. I have to do this well. I have to do this well enough to see positive results. I have to do this well enough to see positive results that others notice."

Now I am a teacher and I want my students to be successful. I want them to all do well academically. I want them all to pass the states test, the thing that unfortunately measures them and me. Okay, so the above statement comes into effect because it's my job and if I want to keep it I need to have positive results that others notice. But, for me, this has become a point of pride. I work really hard to make sure the kids get what they need. My day is full of instruction, small group work, and one on one. That is very important to me because I believe it helps them learn and I believe it will help them when it comes state test time. BUT I want others to notice. I want them to see all my hard work and be impressed. Since I'm being honest, I want them to be so impressed that they try to be like me. Ugh, that made me cringe to even right, but it's true.

So that is one thing that God and I have been talking about. I have been trying to still do the job I believe that being a teacher is, but giving Him the glory for it. When someone compliments me I have to check the pride and remember Who gave me the abilities to be the teacher that He made me. I also need to be checked to remember that there is always areas that I need to improve in.

Then there is the awesome things He has done in me in the last year or so. I feel like the me of before 2011 is a very different person. He has moved me outside my comfort zone so much in the last year. This blog is something WAY outside my comfort zone. Going to Haiti, wasn't even on my radar, but He took me there. Becoming a Life Group leader and having it be for seekers is still such a scary thought, but I know He is telling me to do it.

So could I like at the last year and see all my accomplishments? Yes, I could and have. Ouch, once again, pride. I DID NOT do anything. I could have tried to do those things in my own strength and they would have failed. He DID it! Yes, I had to be willing, but He did all the work.

So back to last night. After we prayed and worshipped we watched the message. Guess what? It's not about us, it's not about me. It's all about His glory! It was a straight to the heart message. It was a pull no punches, but done in such a wonderful way message that I knew it was a God message. I walked away from it speechless. (By the way exactly 120 showed up to pray!)

I got in my car, and prayed like they asked us to pray as we left. Then a phrase kept repeating over and over in my heart, my head, and out of my mouth. "There is none like You, God!" Wow, even writing it now stirs in me. I went to bed saying it instead of praying, which is what I would normally do. I woke up in the night saying it. I woke up this morning saying it. I knew I had to write it and share it with you. I guess if you want God to deal with your subtle pride, or if you don't want it but need it, He will show you that there is none like Him!

Does It Matter?

I don't claim to know what the right answers are on some issues, actually lots of issues. I have been in Christian communities since I was 9 years-old and one thing has always bothered me. Christians who try to prove what they believe is right. Not the big stuff, no the stuff that people have theological debates over. Does God still do....? You fill in the blank. That question has always kind a bothered me. 1. who am I to say what God still does. 2. He is the One Who Is, Who Was, and Always Will Be. (Opps, this morning I realized this should say Who Is, Who Was, and Who Is To Come.) Doesn't that answer it?

He is! I have no right to define that. Yes, His Word gives us descriptions, many descriptions, of who God is. It is filled with what He has done and what He will do. Why isn't that enough? Why do Christians feel the need to define Him and what He does outside of what His Word says?

Then there are the petty things: music, dress, even who should minister. If the music I listen to, my church sings, or I hear on the radio glorifies God then who has the right to say it is wrong or right? It's not about wrong or right, it's about God. Does it bring Him glory? If not, that's one thing, but I am not talking about that. I am talking about people's preference in music. Did you know that the church pew was once a huge debate in the church? People actually fought the idea of sitting down during a service. Seriously, sitting or standing that was the issue that people allowed to divide them!

Should a woman's hair be long? Can she or can she not wear jewelry? Can a guy have long hair? Have earrings? Should we only wear Sunday Best to church? Can a woman preach? Can she lead a ministry? Dunk or sprinkled? Robes for the choir? Matching outfits? No choir at all? Children in Sunday School or in the service? Oh, the list of things Christians choose to debate goes on and on. Have you ever wondered why there are so many denominations? Well the answer is simple, people. People had opinions. People had preferences. People said I'm leaving and taking my stuff with me, taking others along with them. Over what? Over false teaching about God? Jesus? Holy Spirit? Not usually!

I guess that is what I really don't get! Is the debate about theology? Is the debate about tradition? Is the debate about preference? I hope it is! I hope it isn't about God! Because no one, no not one, is qualified to debate about Him. No one is qualified to define who He is outside of what His Word says He is. No one is qualified to debate what He does outside of what His Word says He does.

I went to a couple different Christian schools. In both of those schools sports were pretty important parts for me. Because of all the different denominations, we often played games against teams from schools that were not the same as the ones I went to. I never thought it really mattered. But I remember one school that said they couldn't lose because Jesus wasn't a loser. Um, so if my team lost what did that mean about us? And yes, it was meant as a put down.  Another that refused to play our girls in basketball because we wore shorts to play in. I remember crying in the locker room, because we drove all the way to their school, which was not close, to play and then they refused to play us after we had all gotten dressed. I didn't understand it then and I don't now.

I remember once a friend was trying to make conversation on a long drive and him asking if I believed in pretrib or posttrib. My answer, which I remember to this day, was "does it matter? Does His Word say that there will be a tribulation? That's all that matters. My opinion on that doesn't."

So I guess what I would say is decide if the thing you want to debate really matters? Is it even Biblical for you to be debating it or just denominational? Are you debating who the very nature of God is? Take a second, maybe a minute, how about a week, and decide, "does it matter? Is God being glorified?"

I know there will always be debate. I find that sad. I know people will always have preferences, which is fine, but some will choose to use them to divide. I know that traditions, denominations, and theologies will always bring debate and argument from people who disagree. I know this because we are all human, imperfect ones, and as long as imperfect humans are involved then this will always be. But it makes me sad!

One last time...

Well, I posted a blog I wrote earlier and it wasn't the real post I was supposed to write. Yeah, it was all about obedience and I totally wasn't being obedient.

So what was the real post supposed to be about? It was supposed to be about a big thing that I think about a lot, but rarely if ever talk about. It is painful and exposing and sharing it seems like the craziest thing to do. BUT it is what God is telling me to write about. So here goes....I am hestitanting...still hestitating....asking Him if I really have to do this....okay here goes.

When I moved to North Carolina I had an extremely hard first year. It was a good year, of healing, but healing can be painful because sometimes it involves needed surgery. God did some heart surgery on me and it was excurciating at times. I wouldn't trade that time for anything!

Okay, that doesn't seem like a big deal, but that's just some details. What happened that year was I met someone who stirred something in my heart I had never felt before. No, it wasn't a man. It was a 4th grade boy, and he stirred the Mom part of my heart. I had been teaching for over ten years at the time so I have had hundreds of students, and some who needed special care and loving, but they never stirred that spot in my heart before. His story is his so I won't tell it, but I can say he needed that Mom spot in my heart as much as I needed it stirred.

For two school years I spend time with him and enjoyed the ups and the downs, and sometimes there were serious downs. Even as I enjoyed time with him, I knew that it would change after he was done with elementary school. Those thoughts overshadowed too many of my thoughts and caused an ache in my heart. Then the day came and he moved on from elementary school to middle school. I have to admit I cried like I've never cried before. It honestly felt like someone had died. It felt like a part of my heart had been ripped out.

After a summer of missing him, he played football for his middle school team. I spent Saturdays watching him play and it was a very small taste of what I was missing. But it didn't last. The season ended and then, well then nothing. There wasn't a time to spend with him or watching him and it broke my heart all over again. I tried hard to figure out a way to hold on but I couldn't.  

So then periodic times of rare communication happened, and I realized that was all I was going to get. I wasn't sure if I should try harder. I wasn't sure if I should just let go and think of it as a time period that was. I wasn't sure of anything. I prayed. I cried. I tried too hard. I didn't try at all.

Days passed, months passed, and now years have passed, and the Mom part of my heart still cries and wonders. I wonder if anyone will ever fill that part of my heart. I wonder if some day God will restore a relationship and he will fill that part. Now I know God is the only one who can fill my heart, but there's a reason that there's a verse about the desires of our hearts. He made us with specific desires, talents, gifts. It's okay to have desires of the heart. If it wasn't He wouldn't have included a verse about getting them.

So why did He ask me to write this now? I'm not sure. Maybe it was another part of that heart surgery He performs (believe me this hurt, it hurt a lot!) I still pray for him. I still care about him. I still hope.

2011....2012

On the first day of this year, 2011, I asked God about this year. He gives me a word or phrase that is used to describe the year. This year, it was obedience. He was asking me to step out in whatever He asked me to do. How did the year go?

Well, I know sometimes I stepped out in the small things He asked of me, and the big things. He wanted me to go to Haiti. Haiti! I had never even been on a local mission trip, let alone one in another country, and certainly not a country like Haiti. I remember being asked what I expected of the trip and I could honestly answer with, "I have absolutely no idea!" I genuinely went there with no expectations and totally open to whatever God wanted me to do. It was an incredible experience that has spurred me to want to go to other places. I have submitted my application for a trip to Kenya this upcoming summer. I am so very excited about it!

There are the things He asked me to do that I am working on. My house is a constant work in progress, but I am making progress. I am doing the painting, changing, and organizing that needs to be done. I am so excited to see how He uses my house.

Have I been as successful with other things He asked of me? Um, in a word, no! I was partly obedient, which means I wasn't really obedient at all. We want to give ourselves some create for every little thing we do, even though complete surrender is the only kind of surrender there is. So I stepped out and lead a life group, but I didn't obey God's direction for the group. In 2012 the group will hopefully look exactly like what He asked for in the first place.

Then there are the absolute nos! The things He asked me to do that I let fear and pride keep me from. Sometimes I let the voices of doubt and dread speak too much. I could have told them to "shut up, in Jesus' name", and I did at times but not enough. By the way, one time of letting them speak without shutting them up is too many times. Now I'm not saying I only didn't shut those voices up only once! Do these things that I wasn't obedient bother me? Yes, they do, but I have gone to Him for forgiveness and He forgave me. I just want to listen and obey, regardless next time He asks of me.

So was 2011 a success? Yes! We are all a work in progress and I progressed to be more like Christ. I didn't get there, but I got closer, so yes it was a success. Could it have been a bigger success? Oh my yes! I pray that as I continue to grow more like Him, that each year will be more and more successful than the last one. That each year I will become more and more like Him.

So what about 2012? I don't know yet. I have to pray and listen to hear what His word or phrase for 2012 is. I can tell you that I am very excited about it!