Falling Silent

When I started this blog I really didn't think many people would read it. Now it's not read by millions or even thousands or hundreds, but it has been read by many. Some people in far away countries like Russia, Israel, and even China. I don't know if any of those people read more than one post, but I'm glad they read one. I hope it spoke to something in them. I hope it helped them in some way.

I've always felt misunderstood. I would be categorized as an introvert, and I've come to accept that. For years, I wished I was an extrovert. I wished people were drawn to me, like they were my extroverted friends. Because I am quieter, more reserved, I have been accused of being a snob, of thinking I'm better than other people. I remember once at the camp I worked at during the summers I was in college, a friend came to me and told me some girls asked her if I was a snob. Honestly, I was totally shocked. I thought so little of myself that I couldn't imagine anyone thinking I thought highly enough of myself to be a snob. To this day, I think people that I've meet once or twice before don't even remember me. I'm still taken aback when someone actually does know me. I have allowed God to heal areas in my life, and I don't think so little of myself anymore, but I still wonder if people see me, the real me.

A few years ago, something happened that brought about so much healing and freedom, but at the same time it brought a different kind of pain. I found my heart feeling free, but my voice seemed to be fading. I started blogging less. I stopped sharing as much. I felt God tell me that I was to separate and be quiet for a time. Since I was just learning to open up to people and use my voice, it seemed like a strange time to pull back, to shut up. I had been letting others see and hear the real me, and then it stopped. I still feel the strain of it in some of my relationships. I still don't understand it. I have feared that I would fall silent again. I fear it even as I type now. I just don't seem to have anything to share. I fear that people will think I don't care about them. I fear that they'll think I'm being a snob.

I've always had a non-traditional relationship with God. I've never been interested in religion and ritual, but rather I've always wanted to just be in Him. I have known the judgement of others for not being religious enough. They wanted me to follow the program, and God told me not to. Even trying to explain that to someone resulted in being publicly maligned. I've been told I spend too much time alone with God. That I need to spend more time with people. Interestingly, not long after that God told me to separate myself. I was judged for that. I guess I still am. I do wish to have a Church group. A group of people who want to know God for who He is not what He has been made into. A group that wants to spend time together and with Him. A Church that ministers to each other the way they did in the New Testament Church.

Maybe this separation and quiet time are preparing me to be in such a true for of the Church. I hope so. I hope it leads me to speak again. This former, practically recluse, wants to speak even if my voice shakes!

"What are you waiting for?"

Seven years ago I started working at my school. It was a brand new school. As a new school, the PTA didn't have funds yet, so the year was full of fund raisers. One of them was a golf tournament. That might sound like a good idea, but it wasn't.

The day of the tournament was freezing! It was October in North Carolina so it shouldn't have been, but it was. It was cold and rainy. There weren't a lot of golfers, but there were a lot of staff members at various jobs for the tournament. Mine was to sit in a golf cart, at a hole, and see if anyone got a hole-in-one, I have never been, and still am not a golf fan. It is boring! It was even more boring because of the time that I waited for golfers to come by. Let's just say that 30-40 minutes would pass between groups.

But I wasn't alone. A teacher assistant, who no longer works at my school, was my golf cart partner. She and I did enjoy excursions along the golf paths in the cart. We were really good at timing how long we could wheel around before another group was going to show up at our hole. We never missed a group. But after awhile the trips around the course became boring as well, so we just sat there hoping for golfers to come over the hill to our hole.

So we talked. During the course of this wretched, cold, boring day she questioned me about having kids. I told her I did not. I don't remember the exact words any longer, but she made a comment about it that hurt me. It wasn't meant to be hurtful, but it was said bluntly and well, it didn't need to be said. I can still remember how it touched on the Heart's Desire spot and made me feel like I had a knife twisted in it.

Last Friday was the first day after the school year. Most teachers walked around smiling as they finished up paperwork and cleaned their rooms. I did not. I was missing my kiddos and doing the final paperwork made it all too real that the last two years were over. (I had the best, close-knit, family-like class ever.) I had to go to the office and on the way back to my classroom I ran into one of the custodians. She mentioned that I should be happy because the year was over. I told that I wasn't and I missed my kids. Her reply was, "you don't have your own kids?"

"No,"

"What are you waiting for?" she asked.

The golf cart experience of seven years ago had gone along the same line and came flooding back to me in the second before I could reply. That Heart's Desire spot was getting poked at again. I smiled and said,"just waiting on a man." and turned the corner.

Yup, that smile disappeared the second I turned the corner, but I realized that even though it hurt, I wasn't devastated by it, like I was seven years ago.

For whatever reason, I have spent 30+ years with a Heart's Desire for a family, a husband and children, and I have been waiting. I don't for the life of me understand why. I have seen people, family and friends, even former students, be married, have children, and even remarried. I keep looking at them and wondering why they have what I long for, but I don't have it. Not even the least glimpse of it. Well meaning people ask the questions, make the comments, and even tell me that I am a mother to my students. Believe me when I say that it is not the same!

I am glad that the bluntly worded question doesn't hold the same sting it did seven years ago. I still have the longing, but feel more and more like Sarah everyday, and feel that I am past the hope. I don't know if the waiting has eroded my hope, or if the reality of it not happening has made me come to realize it isn't in His plan for me. This post was supposed to be how seven years changed my reaction to the question, and it did, truly.

Yet I sit here crying about what hasn't been and wonder.

Blessed?

If you read anything on social media: Facebook, Twitter, whatever, you will see that people are claiming to be blessed. Married = blessed. Baby = blessed. New job = blessed. New house = blessed. Family time = blessed. On vacation = blessed. And on and on. These things definitely seem like what we have come to know and call being blessed, but I wonder if those things actually equal being blessed.

I live in the United States and I have way more in material goods than most people in the world. I have a house that is fully furnished, a car, clothes, and plenty of extras. My house always has necessary projects to be done; my furniture has been bought at garage sales or given to me; my car is not as big as I want; my clothes are usually bought on sale; and many of my extras have come second-hand. I don't have the biggest or the best, but I have plenty and would fall into the blessed category. But I honestly wonder if these things are blessings or not.

I just read the first chapter of 2nd Thessalonians and it once again made me wonder what being blessed really is. Verse 3 "We ought to give thanks to for you, brothers, as is right, because your faith is growing abundantly, and the love of every one of you for one another is increasing." That all sounds really good, and honestly makes me think they're blessed people, but then comes verses 4 and 5. "Therefore we ourselves boast about you in the churches of God for your steadfastness and faith in all your persecutions and in the afflictions that you are enduring. This is evidence of the righteous judgement of God, that you may be considered worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are also suffering."

Um, what?

So being persecuted means being blessed? Well maybe or maybe not, but being persecuted and being steadfast and faithful; and back to verse 3, faith and love are growing abundantly is being blessed. How do I know that these things are blessings, because of this wonderful line "This is evidence of the righteous judgement of God, that you may considered worthy of the kingdom of God..." Because of the persecution they endured, and the ensuing growth of faith and love towards others they have been judged worthy of the kingdom of God. That is the ultimate evidence of being blessed.

(Side-note, did you notice the word "judge"?  That seems to be such a bad word to many Christians, these days. But He still judges and we need to be prepared to be judged.)

Back to the whole premise of this post. I would love all the things that many of us, particular American Christians, call blessed. I would love a husband to celebrate anniversaries with; babies to love on and brag about on Facebook; and all the other trappings we called blessed. Who wouldn't? More than that, I want to be blessed because I have been found worth of the kingdom of God. So often in the Scriptures we see evidence that going though trails and suffering, with faith and love results in the ultimate blessing of being worthy of the kingdom of God. That is being blessed.

Below is one of my favorite photos that I took while in Haiti. It reminds me that others live differently and that she may be more blessed than I am. Because she may has more opportunity to come through her suffering with faith and love for others.

Seeing the Beauty of Jesus

Yesterday I did something I have never done before. I went into the guest bathroom to wash out a paint brush and looked into the mirror. Normally when I look in the mirror I see flaws. The critique begins and ends in an "ugh". This time was different.

I stood there looking at myself. A small smile developed and I started to talk to myself. "I am beautiful," I told my reflection. I noticed the pretty waves in my hair and the fact that the color looks like Fall. I continued to look at my reflection and notice positive things about my appearance. Then my mirror conversation changed.

"I am beautiful on the inside because of Jesus in me." My smile grew as I told myself how even though I struggle with being selfish, proud, etc. I am beautiful because of the amazing fact that Jesus lives inside of me.

Like most of us, I focus on my negatives both inside and out. My mirror conversation was focused on the positives, most importantly the fact that Jesus lives in me. It's not that I ignored the negatives, they are still there, but they weren't important. The important thing is that I am beautiful because of Jesus in me.

I told myself that I hope that others see Him in me. I'm sure they see the negatives because we are used to seeing the negatives in ourselves and others. That lead me to think about how I see others. Do I look for their negatives first? I would have to say most of the time I do. When I look at people I want to look deeper and look to see if I see the beauty of Christ in them. I know I won't always find Him. That means that I need to pray that person comes to a place where they ask Him into their heart and let Him make them beautiful.

And for those who I see His beauty in? For them I will try harder to focus on their beauty, even when the negative is easier to see. I also will pray that He will shine out through Him even more.

I challenge you to have a mirror conversation and focus on the beauty that having Jesus in you brings out. Also to pray to see the His beauty in others and pray for those who don't have the beauty of Him them yet.

Satan Hates, but I Don't Have to Choose to Listen

Just one night after a beautiful time with Jesus, satan was on the attack. Last night, I had a very realistic nightmare. I woke up feeling emotional and it carried into my day. I cried on the way to work, and then took my class down to sit in the gym while I was supposed to be peppy for the PTA pep rally. Now, I love to have fun with my kids and even being silly with small groups, but being in a pep rally is not me. So my emotional state didn't help my already uncomfortable feelings about the pep rally.

By the second rally, yup second, I was feeling a bit more peppy, then after it was over one of mine came up to me crying. It seems he and some boys sitting behind him were messing with each other and it escalated. I ended up taking them all to the office, because they were very mean to each other and saying some very inappropriate things. Then I go back to my room, where my class was watching a weather video to be informed by another teacher of one my other student's behavior during the assembly. I had to deal with him too, but thankful his behavior was easy to deal with.

It was barely 9:30 and my emotions were raging. Thankfully I do have some of the best students in the world. They knew I was feeling off and they preceded to be totally on task, involved, and pleasant. We finally were doing some completely normal; I never was so happy to teach math in my life. The more into the normalcy of our day the more settled my emotions became.

I should have known that after my time with Jesus, satan would go on the attack. That's how he works. He tries to derail me and get my focus off of what God is doing and who He is. Thankfully God has been growing me and I am able to see the hand of the enemy sooner than before. Usually I can command him to leave me allow more quickly. Unfortunately, the nightmare was so realistic it was hard to ignore. It literally upset to the point of feeling physical pain. Now, I could let him get my off of God and let the negative feelings fester, yet as I said God has been growing me spiritually. Because of this it is easier to tune out the loud, hurtful voices of him and tune in the quiet, loving Voice of God.

I am happy to say that I know it was a dream and have enjoyed the rest of my day basking in the love of God. I choose not to let satan have anymore power of me today.

Others May Have, But Jesus Does Not Condemn Me

Last night I was laying on my bed and reflecting on who Jesus has been to me. It wasn't long before I was starting to tear up. Then a particular Bible story was brought to mind, and He showed me how an instance in my life was similar. Maybe I should say more similar in his response than in the actual instance.

The story was of the woman thrown down at the feet of Jesus for condemnation and ultimately death. She was caught in the adultery bed, and deserved, under the Law, to be stoned for it. He did not condemn her though and told her to, "Go and sin no more." Like I said, my instance was not the same, but His response was. Something happened at a gathering I was at, and I walked out. Now I'm not saying I made the right decision in that situation, but later I was "dragged" in front of this group and condemned by some. Not all. I want to stress that, it was not by all, but some.

I can't begin to say how it felt! But I can tell you what Jesus told me last night. He said that He never condemned me! Others may have, but He never did. Yes, I didn't handle it well, but I didn't deserve the verbal stones of condemnation. Under Law and Rules those stones would be required to make others feel that they have done their part of upholding the rigidness of the Law. He simply said to me, "Go and don't do it anymore." And, "I will always be with you!"

I felt the amazing love of Christ wash over me as I truly saw Him in the situation. He was quiet while the voices accused, but after they had their say, He stood up and let me know He did not accuse and He did forgive. I know I am not doing last night's experience of revelation and love justice, but I knew I needed to share.

God has shown me so much about who He is through a time in my life that honestly was more hurtful and yet healing than any other time in my life. Those who really know me know that is saying a lot. Much of that time is still between me and Him. Some of it is between a very select few and myself. There have been times I wanted to share what I learned, but God has said, "now is not the time." I'm not sure when or even if the right time will come, but I can say the time since has been amazing. I have experienced the joy of some deep wound-healing; a peace that I can't describe; and a deeper discernment. Because of that discernment, my eyes now see more clearly the pain of others that have and are experiencing poor, and even unjust treatment. I also have seen more clearly the Truth and the lies that wish to distort the Truth. Most importantly, I have come to see the Real Jesus. The One who loves me, but doesn't just look passed my selfishness, my lack of focus on Him, and my thoughtlessness. He loves me, will always be with me, and expects me to take what He has taught me to help others. That is the true reason I learn from our hurts, mistakes, and failures. It isn't just about me, but about allowing Him shine through the my hurts and healings.

Peter, John, and even Judas Wouldn't Follow Jesus!

Do you ever wonder what the disciples would think of the Jesus we have created? I do. Honestly, I doubt they would have been drawn to any Jesus we have created. Even if they were drawn to our Jesus I don't think they would have remained followers. What do I mean?

Well there's Hippie Jesus. Fun Jesus. Rules and Regulations Jesus. Tolerant Jesus. Love Jesus. Stern Jesus. Everything Goes Jesus. As Long As It Makes You Happy Jesus. Boring Jesus. Adult Jesus. Kid Jesus. Jesus You Take Off The Shelf When You Need Something. And the one that makes me absolutely cringe is Curse Word Jesus. That's just to name a few. We, and I mean we, have created our own versions of Jesus. He changes based on denominations, political views, educational theories, ages, and group mentalities among so many ideas and beliefs. I personally have thought of Jesus based on my own perceptions and thoughts. I am sure I'm not the only one to do this. This isn't a finger-pointing post. I'm not talking about everyone else. I know I'm just as guilty as anyone else.

The disciples did have their own ideas of what Jesus was going to accomplish. They hoped He'd overthrow the Romans for one thing. They found out that wasn't the kind of kingdom He was talking about, but they stayed with Him. Why? Not because He wasn't any of the Jesuses listed above. So who was He really? Well, I'm not going to tell you, but I will tell you how to find out.

Read about Him. Matthew and John knew Him personally and wrote about Him, and Mark and Luke wrote about Him from personal accounts of Him. Don't just read about Him. Talk to Him. Ask Him to show you who He really is. Listen to Him. Sit with Him and just be quiet with Him. Ask Him to show you what kind of Jesus you have created, and ask Him to replace that Jesus with the Real One. That's what I feel convicted to do. To spend time getting to know the Real Jesus. My heart feels a thrill at spend time with Him and getting to know Him for who He really is.

Will you join me on the journey of getting to know the real Him? I'd love to hear about your experience if you are willing to share. Just comment on the post if you want to share.