Thursday, June 28, 2012

Today I Cried, A Lot

A few days ago I wrote that I didn't know what my purpose during the summer months was and after hitting "publish" I thought I knew what it was. Writing about what I am thinking, feeling, hearing from God, and experiencing seem to be my purpose for this summer.

So today I have been in tears more than not. I woke up this morning and realized it is my birthday. Yippee! Today I turn 40. This is supposed to be a happy day, and it isn't that the day isn't happy. Really birthday wishes are nice and I like getting them. I don't even mind turning 40. I have only dreaded one birthday and that was 26. Yup, 26. In my mind that was on the other side of my imaginary line between being young and being an adult. It was such a hard birthday for me that my family throw me a little girl's party. Every gift I received was for children, like a fake make-up kit and bright-colored, plastic hair barretts. It was a great birthday!

So why crying today? Well it was a dream I had. I dreamt I was just waking up and my stepdad, Rick, showed up with presents. He said he had to just drop them off because he had some place to be. Now, I wear contacts so my just waking up eyes have trouble focusing a lot. He kept taking items out and showing them to me, but I couldn't see them very clearly. They all seemed so nice and there were so many of them. Then he said he had to go and I would have to open the rest after he left.

After he left I got out of bed and started to hold up the things that he had brought. They were expensive, beautiful, and like nothing else I have. Some of the clothes were too small for me and too attractive for me. Some things were soft. Some things brought a smile to me lips because they were so cute and sweet. And I thought every thing was too good for me!

That was when I woke up and I knew, without a doubt, that dream was from God. I know that it was God giving me gifts that I couldn't imagine. I know that He was giving me things that I don't think fit my life as it is now. I know that He was giving me things that were better than me, so much better, and I know that I am not worthy of such fine things.

Not only that, I doubted. I doubted that He really would. I cried and cried off and on all day because I can't imagine that He really will give them to me. I don't doubt that He is able. I know that He is able, but I have never had what those things represnted that He presented to me in the dream. So I doubt.

I wish I was at a place where I didn't doubt, but I'm not. So in part that has always been the purpose of this blog. This blog is called "Even If My Voice Shakes" for a reason. I try to be as honest and open even when it means putting out there my hurts, doubts, and fears. So today I am being honest about my doubt.

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