Longing to Belong

"A desired fulfilled is sweet to the soul" Proverbs 13:19

The Bible cradled in my arms was my baby that I gingerly laid down a a bed made from my coat. The sermon was just noise in the background. My mind was lost in a dream of being a mom to that precious Bible baby. A dream that has lasted a lifetime and involved many baby props.

This memory is one of the most vivid ones I have. I considerate it the moment my heart's desire was born. The desire to have my own family, husband and children was birthed on a hard metal chair in a crowded sanctuary. A desire that has taken me to the depths of despair and has brought out in me both good qualities and exposed an envy I still struggle with.

I imagine a big house, full of noisy kids, with toys scattered and music and laughter. Some people might being cringing at the thought of mess ad noise, but it brings a smile to my heart. I long for this! Instead I live in a modest size home, with pet toys and animal hair all over, the occasional bark and meow from my furries, but otherwise alone and silent. I don't hate it, but it doesn't make my heart smile. I long for the desire of my heart to be fulfilled. I long for the squeals of laughter, artwork hanging from the fridge, the telling of bad jokes that they laugh at, movie nights, bedtime stories, and all the rest. I long for toys scattered, beds that need to be made, homework to be checked, and sometimes hard heart-to-heart talks. I long for the messy right along with the beautiful.

This past school baseball season, I sat among the ones I envy the most in the world, mothers. I cheered quietly for the boys, who aren't my own, that I came to watch. I didn't feel I had earned the right to cheer loudly. They weren't mine and everyone knew it. What would they think if I was as vocal as a mother? I don't have that badge of honor. As much as I love the boys I came to see, each silent car ride home after the game made my heart ache. I wanted to driving a smelly kid home and look forward to getting the well-earned grass stains out of his white pants. Some moms, and I totally get why, drove home dreading the chore of another stain scrubbing event. I envy their struggle. 

Standing among these moms after the game, to congratulate the players, made me feel obviously out of place. I wondered how many thought that I didn't belong just as much as I felt like I didn't. I listened as they talked about school, formals, meetings for the next school year as their boys planned to move up a level, and I longed to be a part of the conversations. I wished I had to figure out my schedule so I could attend the meeting or buy the outfit for the dance. The envy that I felt as they spoke of things wonderful and things that caused planning to pull off made me want to cry right there on the spot. 

I long to belong with the moms. I long to be apart of the struggles of who's going to car pool the kids to the next event. I long to plan to go the meeting with them. I long to buy the birthday present for the party they are all planning to send their kids to. I long to proudly say "oh thanks" when someone congratulates my kid on how he or she performed on the field, on the court, at the performance, at the art exhibit, or at the ceremony. I long to beam with pride on my child, wrinkle my nose at their smelliness, laugh at their funny stories, and hold back the tears as they cry in disappointment. 

I long to belong to one of the greatest and most important groups of people. I long to belong with the moms. 

Being Silent and Waiting for the Outcome

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."  Exodus 14:14

Joseph sat in prison for something he didn't do.

David ran and hide for his life because of someone else's hatred.

Mordecai and the Jews were meant to be wiped out because of someone else's vanity.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were placed in a furnace because they didn't worship a man like a god.  

Daniel is thrown into the lions' den for not worshiping a man in his prayers. 

Over and over again, there are examples in the Bible of people who needed the Lord to fight for them. And He did! Why is it so hard, with so much evidence available, for me to believe He will do the same for me? 

The last four months have been extremely hard ones for me. No actual prison cells or lions dens, but repeatedly mistreated based on lies and assumptions, and maybe even other's egos has worn me down. I didn't want to venture outside of my own space, for fear of  my mere presence causing more hardship. I feel emotional and mentally beat up. I wish that I can say that I have fully trusted God to fight for me, but as the months went it only seemed to get worse and my faith felt smaller and smaller.

I wish I could say I've been silent the whole time too, but I've grumbled and complained. Yet, most of what has happened I have kept to myself. Not necessarily in obedience to keep silent, but more so because it has hurt and embarrassed me. 

Yesterday, a thought came to me that one good thing from all of this is that I don't ever want to make someone else feel like this. Lord, help me to be mindful of others and how I make them feel about who they are and their worth. Help me to distinguish lies about them from truth. Help me to get beyond myself and see them for who they really are. 

I need to work on a few things as the battle continues: One, being silent and waiting as the Lord battles. He hears the hurt of my hear,t and since He's the only one who can do anything about it, He's the only one who needs to hear the specifics right now. Two, trying to forgive someone who doesn't even seek it is challenging. I pray these words when I'm struggling to forgive: "I choose to forgive (insert name), Lord help me to forgive". I have to keep praying daily, sometimes multiple times a day, until I know that He has helped me to actually forgive. Three, I have to believe that He is battling for me and there is a victory at the other side. Whether it's only an internal victory or one others will witness, doesn't matter as much as believing there is one. Four, I need to reflect and see if and what needs to be chipped away in my heart and mind based on this. It's easy to just "play the victim", but God uses these hardships to remove things for our lives. What do I need to release in my life that doesn't need to be there?

Joseph was made second in all of Egypt.

David was the king of Israel.

Mordecai and the Jews were saved and he was great in the king's house.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were given promotions.

Daniel prospered during the king's reign, as well as the next king's reign. 

I may never be second in command or named a ruler over anything, but I have to believe that the end of this battle will bring about the promotion that God has for me, even if it's just an internal promotion and no one else even knows. I just need to let go and wait and see what the Lord will do!

Guilty of "If It's Your Will" Thinking

What?

Of course, we should ask for God's will! How can that possibly be a bad thing? Let me explain.

I am guilty of praying for big things, doubting and being fearful, and since my lack of faith says it probably won't happen anyway I throw on a "if it's Your will" to seal the doubt deal. I use it more to declare defeat than to really seek His will in the situation.

I can't be the only one who does that! Can I? Please, tell me others use religiosity to lie to themselves that they have faith in His will, but really they don't.

Yesterday, I was driving to work praying a couple of big prayers. One in particular is truly an area in my life that I want something big to happen. Some thing I believe that is good. Some thing that matches my heart's desire, maybe in a completely unexpected way. But the closer I got to work and the end of my prayer time, I started to doubt and threw out the "if it's Your will" phrase to cover myself, with an emphasis on the if.

If it's not His will then what can I lose? I won't invest too much of me and my heart if it's not His will. It keeps me safe from moving out of the familiar and into a brave new place. It means no stretching. It means plopping right down in the same place I've lived for most of my life. My comfortable, all be lonely, place. Part of me actually hopes it's not His will every time I utter those words! Oh how "safe" I'd be then.

Safe but sad. Comfortable but longing. Familiar but unfulfilled. Stuck and unmovable. Fearful. Lonely. Not safe or comfortable when I really think about it.

Yesterday after my "if it's Your will" prayer, a line from a song playing on my radio grabbed my attention. "Gotta pray, gotta press on to the prize worth fighting for" I kinda felt like God throw His own line right back at me. The proverbial ball was in my court. How would I respond?

I responded with, "yes God! This is a prize worth fighting for! This is a prize worth believing in. It's worth crying out to You over it. It is worth steps of faith. It is worth discomfort. It is worth allowing You to make it happen and not try to move mountains myself. (Anyone else try to move mountains only He can move? Or worse, ones that weren't mine to be moved at all? I am!) It's worth continuing to believe that I just need to be still and watch You work to make it happen.

Looking at Jesus as the example. He did pray, "if it is Your will remove this cup from" but He didn't stop there. "Nevertheless, not My will, but Yours be done." Jesus knew His death would be full of physical pain that no man should have to endure. He also knew that it our sin would separate Him from God until His resurrection. None of us can comprehend what that separation would be like. Of course, He ask to have it removed! But He embraced all of it because He loves us.

So can I embrace His will even though my faith is small and my fear is big? Yes. Even though it will be very different from my normal? Yes. Even though it will be uncomfortable, stretching, and possibly messy? Yes, yes, and yes.

This morning, as I drove to work and continued my big prayer, I came to the usual "if it be Your will" point and it was a struggle. It really was, not to say it once again. I forced myself to say "Your will be done" instead. It was hard, but after wards I felt such joy. I know it'll take awhile and some serious effort to break my lack of faith habit and prayer with boldness for His will to be done.

Note - The song is by Jamie Kimmett and is titled "The Prize Worth Fighting For" This song is about Jesus being our reward, but God can use a line in a song any way that He wants to.

A Longing Unfulfilled Gives Me Time for Others

God knows the desires of my heart. He knew them before I did. As a little girl I longed for one thing when I grew up; a husband who loved me and a house full of children. With each passing month, I find myself doing the math, knowing the biological clock is winding down. I'm much older than I tell my students I am and older than most people guess. People only a few years older than me comment about how they are so much older than I am. I just smile and say, "I'm much closer to your age than you think." When I sit in the quiet of my home the day after our annual grade level trip, I realize just how much my heart still longs for something it has wanted for so very long.

On Wednesday, I sacrificed my sweatshirt to be used as a pillow knowing it would probably be thrown up on, and it was. On Thursday, I sacrificed my front seat on the bus and a sit-down dinner to remain by another who was sick. The funny thing, ironic funny, is I didn't mind. I still don't. For just a little while, I got to know what a part of my desires fulfilled would include: I got to sacrifice for a child. It might seem weird that such sacrifice would bring me joy, but it does.

I was able to be something for them in their time of need. I realize that in my position, I get to do that all the time. Sometimes it is purely being someone they need for academic purposes, but other times it's someone who listens to their concerns and fears. Sometimes it's to listen to their silly stories and corny jokes. When one of them grabs my hand and swings it as we walk I always let them. It's what is needed in the moment. If one says, "can I talk to you privately?" The answer is always "yes". When one cries, asks for advice, tries to trick me with a silly riddle, or says "did you see that?" when they did something amazing, I might have to sacrifice the moment that I should be doing something else, something teacher-y, but I gladly do. If at all possible I take that moment that that one needs.

One time I didn't. One time I didn't listen when one needed me. One time I didn't sacrifice the fun time I was having to just be there in the moment. Months later that one was lost forever, and I will always regret the moment I didn't take, the moment I should have sacrificed what I wanted for what someone else needed. Others don't understand that I will never purposely ignore the one who needs me in the moment again. How can they unless they've made a similar choice with regretful results? I might not realize that there is a need and not give the time sought, but I will not do that on purpose.

Is that longing still there, the longing that includes sacrificing time to a husband and children of my own? Yes, and I try really hard to have faith that God knows why the longing is still unfulfilled. Maybe I couldn't be what I need to be for the hundreds of students I have had over my years of teaching if it had been. Maybe the reason I can be there for them is because I don't have what I want. Not that I want to sacrifice my heart's desires, I really really don't, but if waiting means I am helping someone else, then I guess I can wait a little longer.

Increase and Decrease

"He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30

I've always liked this verse. The idea that God can increase in my life appeals to my need to be better, to become more than I am. But it's not that He can increase, but rather He must increase in my life. Too often in my life I allow other things: work, belongings, hurts, and longings to fill up my life; before long I feel myself drowning in stuff. Lately, I've felt like the stuff has been ruling me. I look around, both externally and internally, and I see too much. It is overwhelming me and it makes me feel stuck, hidden, like the real me isn't who others see and know.

Recently, I started to work on the second half of the verse: "I must decrease". God isn't the only one with an active role in this. I have my part too. The physical stuff in my house is being gone through and is being sorted into throw away, donate, and keep. I've made a couple trips already to donate and spent time to fill trash bags with what no one needs. Hopefully when it's all done there will be less stuff taking up room in my home. Walking is helping me to decrease my physical body as well. It's in the early stages, but I genuinely feel better and am one step closer to being the healthy vessel I want to be.

The real changes aren't external though. Long held fears are being dealt with, some I didn't even know I had anymore. I looked up the meaning of the phrase "I must decrease" and it has two meanings in Greek. The one in this verse means to decrease in authority and popularity. Giving Him more authority in my life is vital to losing the fears, the hurts, the selfishness, the control in my heart.

It is a painful road and at times confusing. I long to live a life full of His purpose, but my purposes want to be in control too. They don't want to give up ground in my heart to Him. They want to remain hidden and leave me afraid. I'm sure I'm not the only one who believes that control of my own life, even if painful, is what I want. Somehow we convince ourselves that we need to be the ones in control. I want to decide who is in my life. I want to decide my work. I want to decide the things I enjoy doing and having. I don't necessarily want to give up any of those things. Yet I do want more. More freedom in surrender. More space in my life for what He has planned for my future. More joy. More peace. More of Him in me.

That is why I choose to decrease, so that He has more room to increase in me.

Becoming His Ruth

I used to blog a lot, and some of the posts were really open, really raw. Not that the others weren't, but when I wrote some of them I felt like I was opening up my heart and pouring it out through the keyboard. This might be one of those posts.

When I was ten years-old I realized the desire of my heart. I wanted a family, a husband and children. Most of my life I had an absent father. I wanted something more. I wanted a man who would love me and a house full of children to love on. That desire has never gone away. There have been times, many of them, when I felt hopeless though. The years have gone by and I've been disappointed. I've been sure that it wouldn't happen more than I've been hopeful that it will. Yesterday, a hopeful day, I thought about the kind of man I want to marry. He needs to be my Boaz. He needs to see the value in me. He needs to spread himself over me and protect me. He needs to cherish me. He needs to be the father of my children.

As I longed for my Boaz, I came to the realization that I need to be his Ruth. I need to be willing to do  the menial hard work to help those in my life, those that depend on me. I need to be willing to step out and risk rejection. I need to be willing to honor him. I need to be the mother to his children. I need to become his Ruth.

Ruth suffered loss. She journeyed long to get away her old life to find her new one. She rejected the gods of her people. She toiled over back breaking work with little reward. She reached out and risked being rejected. She took a chance. She accepted an amazing gift. She loved her family. She loved her husband. She became a mother.

As God showed this to me, I cried. I cried and asked Him to help me become my Boaz's Ruth. I also prayed that He would make him my Boaz. My heart desires this. I have no idea how much longer this journey will be. I have no idea how hard the work will be. But I know that as scary as it is, frankly terrifying that it is, I want my Boaz and I want to be his Ruth.

Judas Walked with Jesus

But Judas Iscariot, one of his disciples (he who was about to betray him), said, 'Why was this ointment not sold for three denarii and given to the poor?' he said this, not because he cared about the poor, bit because he was a thief, and having charge to the moneybag he used to help himself to what was put into it. John 12:4-7

Judas Iscariot was one of Jesus' disciples. He walked with Jesus. He talked to Jesus. He listened to Jesus. He laughed with Jesus. He ate with Jesus. He slept near Jesus. He was amazed by Jesus. He was confused by the words and actions of Jesus. He followed Jesus. For three years, he was right there with Jesus and he knew Jesus. Judas betrayed Jesus!

There are many who believe that if a person has heard enough about Jesus then that person will have no other real choice by the believe in Him. It is a nice thought, and those of us who do believe that Jesus is the Son of God and have accepted Him, it is hard to understand why others don't. I, honestly, can't fathom how others don't or don't want to. After experiencing peace where there was not room in the circumstance for peace, I can't understand not wanting to experience it. After hearing His voice speak to my heart on innumerable occasions, I can't believe others never want to hear Him. After praying for healing from pain and experiencing a flow come over me and the pain be gone, I can't imagine that there are people who would rather live with the pain. After having a part o Scripture, that I've read over and over again, suddenly become amazingly clear, I can't imagine choosing to walk around blindly. I can't imagine not having the comfort of knowing I will never be alone. I can't imagine making major decisions without asking for His guidance to make the right choice. Some people have walked the Christian life and chosen to walk away, so why would I expect those who haven't to accept Him at the last moment because they have heard.

Judas didn't believe. If the ones who were right there with Him, missed out on truly knowing and accepting Him, then it is dangerous for us to believe people just need to hear about Him enough to accept Him. Judas actually hear Jesus speak and still betrayed Him.

So what will it take? What do people really need to come to acceptance of Christ? Well, since Judas wasn't the only one who walked with Jesus, t seems there is no one way to come to Him. Andrew heard Him speak and believed. He ran and got Peter and told him abut Jesus and Peter believed. James and John were simply called and  they believed. The woman caste at Jesus' feet to be stoned was forgiven and she believed. The woman at the well was told all her sin and she believed. Some needed to feel His healing touch to believe. Some needed to see Him heal others to believe. Some needed to hear His words of love to believe. Some need to hear the harsh truth of their lives to believe. Some needed to be taught by Him to believe. It isn't different today.

There are people who grow up in church, hearing the Word, and they believe. Others need a miracle of love to flow into the ugliness of their situation to believe. They need someone to hand them a bowl of soup and a slice of bread. They need someone to take them into their home after their own family has abandoned them. They need a doctor who performs the right procedure or dispenses the right medicine, but also prays over them for them to believe. They need someone to look beyond the money, cars, houses to see that they are trying to fill the incredible void in their life with things. They need some to hold their baby while they tend to the boo boo on the toddler's knee. They need someone to listen; someone to feed them; someone to laugh with them; someone to talk to them; someone to show they the Way.

Every person needs something different to come to Jesus. Yet thy all need the same thing, they need an open heart. Judas heard, walked, laughed with Jesus, but his heart wasn't open to Him. Don't just assume that being in church your whole life means your heart has been open to accept Him. Don't assume that if a person hears enough about Jesus they will accept Him. It is far too important to just assume that words in our lives or others is enough. We need to seek how to reach people. I have a friend who is not a believer, and I pray about how to share Him with her. For now, God has told me her heart isn't open, so I simply need to be her friend. Do I worry that's no enough? Of course I do. Yet until her heart is open, words just won't be enough. Be prayerful of how to reach others and be ready to talk, laugh, listen, cry, or do whatever that person needs.