Dirty Dishes and Devotions for Real Women

Today I took another out-of-my-comfort-zone step and I can't stop smiling. I feel so good about it! I started a group on Facebook called "Dirty Dishes and Devotions for Real Women". It is a first step of writing devotions for women. I really feel like God is telling me to do this, so as uncomfortable and vulnerable as it is I took the step.

If you are a women and on Facebook and want to be added to the group let me know and I will add you. If you are not on Facebook and want to get the devotions comment with you email address and I will email them to you. (I can delete your comment right after I save your email if you don't want it out there for everyone to see. Just let me know that's what you want.) At this point, they will not be daily, but I will work on getting them written so you get them often.

This is a big step for me, like this blog, and sharing my writing hopes (see yesterday's post about that), and I would greatly appreciate your prayers. I ask for His direction in what to write and when to write it. I also ask that every woman who reads the devotions gets something from God through the devotions.

Direct Answers and I Need Feedback, Please

The other day I had a statement about a student in second grade directed at me. I don't know this child, but it seems he is a handful to put it mildly. My response was that I won't be getting him because I won't be teaching by the time he is a fifth grader. I hadn't meant to come right out and say that, but I did. I almost smiled because I realized it was true. At least I won't be teaching as I am teaching now, if I am at all.

Today I was asked if I was going to start writing. My answer, if just the briefest of hesitation, was "yes". Yes, I am!

So now is the hard part, put out there a sample of something I am working on. It is one short story in a series of them that I am writing. What I need now is honest feedback. So here, goes my few blog readers, please read and please let me know, honestly, what you think. Talk about being open and vulnerable! :)

Those Who Mourn

The grayness began to soften to light as she laid there willing the sleep to remain. She grasped at it. Sleep meant the sweet bliss of no pain, no shame. The harder she tried to hold onto sleep the more alert she became and the pain rushed in causing a gasp to escape her lips. Yet she refused to open her eyes. She refused to let go of these last few moments, even as the pain spread, she tried to remain still. The sounds of a rising betrayed her wishes and she sighed deeply and slowly opened her eyes.

            The room was dull and cold. She blinked at the thought that so was her soul. The walls of stone closed in on her and the soft noises from the adjoining room lifted her from her bed. With no joy, she pulled the gown from the peg and pulled it over her head. The rough fabric fell into place and she wrapped the belt around her waist. Running her fingers through her hair she breathed deeply and the pain took complete hold.

The ache so real, so constant, and seemed to be the only thing she ever felt. She tried to remember a time before the pain, but it was only a memory. The voices in the other room spoke quietly and she knew it was for her sake. She loved them and hated them for it. She didn’t want their pity. The shame she felt was already too much, she couldn’t take on their pity as well.

Pushing back the curtain she stepped out into the center room and moved quietly toward the table in the kitchen. No one spoke a greeting, but hopeful eyes sought her face. When they saw only pain they turned back to their own tasks. She picked up the knife and cut the goat cheese into pieces and placed them on a plate. Turning she grabbed the pitcher of tea in her other hand. She placed them on the table and sat upon the bench. A plate of dried fruit and bread were set next to them and then her mother joined the family at the table.

The prayers were spoken and the food was quietly divided. She knew she had to eat her portion. The young girl and even younger boy could use more nourishment, but it went to her. She looked up briefly at Sarah, her sister, and regretted the fig she had placed in her mouth. Her gaze lighted on the child of promise, Eli, as he ate his breakfast. She saw the words that wished to pour forth from him as he struggled to keep silently. She dropped her gaze in shame. Oh, how she wished that it was she who had died.

Yet, here she sat, taking precious bites of food from her family’s table. She should be sitting at her own table, in her own home, with her husband’s family. Her father-in-law should be talking excitedly about the promise that their crop would bring at market. Her mother-in-law should be busy serving more food to her growing sons, and she should be quietly serving as well. Her husband, how the pain that word scorched through her heart, her husband should be stealing looks of affection that would cause her to blush. His brothers then take their turns teasing their beloved brother. Instead she sat here, at her father’s table, and burned under the oppression of her lose.

First the youngest brother became sick. His fever raged for two days before her father-in-law joined him in the throws of anguish. Her mother-in-law sought to comfort both while her two remaining sons took to the fields to care for the crop and she ran the house. Death came early one morning as she heard the crying of a mother holding her lifeless son. That evening the weeping came as the wife of many years became a widow. The sons tried to comfort their mother but she insisted on preparing her husband and son for burial before she would allow herself time for that.

As the dawn of the next day spread across the sky, so did the illness as it claimed the other two sons. Both women tended to them. The bathed them with wet clothes and tried to fill them with herbs and medicines. By the evening she alone tried to care for three as her mother-in-law became feverish and weak. They found her three days later with her dead husband’s head in her lap and her mother-in-law and brother-in-law dead beside them.

Her family came. They helped her prepare the body of her husband as her mother-in-law’s sisters prepared the others. After they were buried her few things were gathered and she returned to her fathers home.

That had been only a month ago and she was sure that her pain would never lessen, would never cease. As the breakfast meal was finished and the dishes cleaned and put away, she picked up the empty jug. Her mother gazed at her quickly before turning back to her tasks. She knew the look. She knew it meant that it was late in the morning, too late, for a trip to the town well. It meant that only the unclean went to the well at this time.

She felt as cast out as the unclean and she knew those women wouldn’t look at her with pity. They wouldn’t look at her at all. She didn’t want others to look at her. She didn’t want to be seen.

            Moving along the dusty streets she let her mind wonder. A smile played at her lips as she thought of the first time she saw her husband. He was still a young man and she merely a girl. He was busy in the marketplace selling his family’s produce. As he haggled with a customer he looked up and saw her. Their eyes met and she felt the color rise in her cheeks. He was the handsomest man she had ever seen and he was smiling at her. It wasn’t long after that the marriage was arranged between their fathers.

            She hadn’t heard the voices, the crowd that was moving down the streets of the town. Now she saw them. They were pressed tightly around a man. She tried to move into the shadows of the building, she tried to hide. She watched the crowd as it moved towards her. She did not know the man that they followed, but she heard them calling out to Him.

            The crowd grew so thick that they came to a stop right in front of her. She pressed herself as close to the wall as she could. She felt panic and desperation rising up within her. She couldn’t get away. She looked around trying to find a way to get away from the crowd. And then she saw Him. She saw Him looking right at her.

            Hope welled up inside and stole her breath away. She tried to break contact but the eyes of compassion seemed to seize her. They looked inside of her, into the depth of her aching soul.

“Beloved, I can make you whole.”

She gasped for breath.

“Beloved, I know your pain. Let me make you whole.”

The crowd grew thicker, crying out to Him, eager for His touch yet His eyes remained on her. “Beloved, I love you. I am the Way. I can bring you healing. I can heal the hurt of your heart. Just come to Me and I will give you rest.”

She couldn’t see anyone else. She couldn’t hear the growing noise of the crowd. All she saw was his eyes and all she wanted was to believe their unspoken words. She feared blinking, feared it would silence the hope.

Within her came a cry, a cry so desperate, a cry so painful she feared breaking into pieces. “Yes, Lord, yes!”

A smile touched His lips and joy overflowing filled her being. The crowd started to move again. They passed by her and disappeared around the corner of a building. The street became quiet again. She stood there alone. A smile on her lips. A joy filling her soul. A freedom from the pain. A word. Jesus!

A Few Things I'm Considering

I am considering doing something outside of my comfort zone. I think that's a funny statement, because ever since I started this blog, even before then, I have been doing more and more outside my comfort zone. I guess I'm actually considering a few out-of-my-comfort-zone things.

One is leaving teaching. I don't know if it'll really be completely out of education, but I am considering leaving the classroom. As risky as leaving teaching may be figuring out what I will do is even more risky. (In a perfect world I would be a stay-at-home wife and mom, but I'm not either so that won't work.) I have never really thought about what I would do beside teaching. I planned to be the old lady teacher that crouched at all the kids, okay so I have trouble crouching at kids, but I'm trying to paint a picture here. So trying to think of what else to do is kind of tricky. I have a lot of likes, maybe even loves, but I wonder what I could do with those. So not only am I considering stepping out of my comfort zone I don't even know what zone I will be stepping into.

This blog has helped me open up and I have enjoyed writing it, well not all the time because some posts are really hard to write. Writing is something I have enjoyed but never really had an idea of what to write about. I have tried over the years to write and it never really worked out. I never stuck to it. One evening I got an idea in my head and had a hard time not writing. When I finally went to bed I kept sitting up and turning on the light and jotting thoughts down. When I have time I have been working on it. So writing more is one thing I am considering.

The next thing I am considering has to do with writing too. This morning I read a devotional that I get as a daily email. Sharing about how the author had prayed for a Christian man who was ho-hum. Of course this early 20's prayer didn't end up the way she expected when at 22, yes so what was she 21 when she made that early 20's prayer. She met and married a Christian guy who turned out not to be ho-hum. Of course she ended the devotion with that's how we approach God like we just want a ho-hum relationship and He wants so much. Anyway, the devotion left me in tears and angry at her early 20's prayer being answered, even if differently than expected, at 22. I thought about how devotions for women seem to fall into two categories: those for married mothers and those for childless singles. I really wish there was devotions just for woman regardless of status.

That led to me praying about it on my drive to school this morning. I told God I didn't want to just complain about it, but I wanted to find an answer to the problem. The answer could be finding the right devotions from the right Godly woman. The answer could also be something else completely different. So I am praying that He will show me the answer and if I have to do something to make the answer a reality.

Now, none of these things I am considering are things I can do in my own strength, as a matter of fact they terrify me! I have to trust in God and whatever I do must be done in His strength.

To Give Up or Not to Give Up?

To give up or not to give up? That is the question that I ask of me.

Sometimes giving up is good. Sometimes giving up is exactly what God is asking me to do. Sometimes giving up is bad. Sometimes God wants me to preserve and not give up. So when do I know which one is which?

I have wavered back and forth between both. One day I may be sure that I need to keep praying, keep believing and the next day all I want to do is give up. Sometimes this is based on events that encourage or discourage me. Sometimes it is based solely on my emotions. Sometimes it is based on misunderstanding or misperception. I just feel confused about what I should do.

I pray. I have prayed about this over and over again for years. I can't believe sometimes that it has been years. I never thought I could wait as long as I have. I can think back and remember that there was no way I could wait for months, let alone years. I have been waiting years now.

I am not the only person who struggles with this. I am not the only one struggling with waiting. I am not the only person who struggles with whether or not I should keep asking, seeking, and knocking. I know I'm not the only one, but sometimes it sure feels like I am.

So, I need to know which I need to do. I need to know whether I keep keeping on or throw my hands up and move in another direction. I know that the only one who can answer this for me is God, but I do wonder if others who are waiting, or have waited, have any words of wisdom that you will share. It would help me to know there are others and I'm not in this waiting game alone.

Obedience Even When It Doesn't Make Sense

Have you ever had God ask you to do something that you've done before and it didn't work?

This morning God woke me up early, very early, and I had to ask Him why. I kept thinking if I can just get my brain to turn off I could go back to sleep. That didn't work, so I changed directions and ask God why I was supposed to be up. He told me to do something that I have done before, something I promised I wouldn't do again unless He told me to. I definitely questioned Him. I asked Him that was just some crazy, too-early-in-the-morning thought or was it really Him. I told Him if it wasn't Him to let me know otherwise I would do it.

Well, I feel back to sleep, with less than 30 minutes before the alarm was to go off, and started my day. I let the dog out, feed the cats, and climbed back into bed to read my Bible. After letting the dog back in and finishing my chapter I got on the computer to check email and Facebook. I was already trying to ignore what He had told me to do.

The more I tried to ignore it then more stirring there was inside of me. I knew that even though every other time it hadn't worked, hadn't helped, He was asking me to do it again. So I went ahead and did it, even though I was still having internal debate with Him.

I have no idea how it will work out this time. It might not work in anyway that I can expect. I may never see any result from it, but I know that I needed to be obedient and do it. And when it was done I felt peace because I knew it really was Him and not me. Even now, more than 12 hours later, I still feel that sense of peace.

Admitting That I Don't Believe

I don't believe that God is going to give me the desires of my heart.

There I said it. I have thought it, wrestled with it for years, and tried to pretend that I don't believe it. But I do.

I know in my head that it isn't true. I know the verses that tell me that He will, that He wants to. I know the messages taught, books wrote, and songs sung. The problem is that it doesn't really matter how much my head knows it if my heart doesn't.

This morning I deleted part of my post from yesterday because it included something about the desire of my heart. It was too much of me to leave out there. It was too much of what I long for Him to do and since I struggle with believe He will, I just couldn't leave it out there. I will admit deleting it hurt me, but the idea of letting other people know it and it not happening hurt just as much if not more. Writing it and feeling the overwhelming sense of rejection caused me to cry myself to sleep.

I woke up with the same ache and went straight to the computer to delete it. On my drive to work I kept trying not to cry about it and that led my to pray. So my new prayer is not for the desires of my heart. My new prayer isn't that I will know about how much He wants to give blessings to me. It isn't that I see what He can do. My prayer isn't that I will know the character of God. My new prayer is that I will know God. I want to just know Him. Maybe if I can just get to know Him, He will change my heart.

Not Feeling Very Strong and Courageous

"Be strong and courageous!" When God said these words to Joshua he was about to enter the Promised Land. So why would he need to hear those words when he was going into the Promised Land? Because it was full of giants and all sort of ites that wanted to keep the land. The whole verse is "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not fear, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9 ESV)

I have to admit that when I hear this verse it does give me strength. I mean if the God of the universe says that He will be with me wherever I go why would I ever be afraid. Well, it might have something to do with those giants and ites that are waiting for me to come into the Promised Land and they don't want to leave.

God has been taking me through my own wilderness experience and I'm on the verge of entering a Promised Land. Unfortunately, like all Promised Lands there are things to fear in it. I fear the unknown. I fear failure. I fear rejection. See, God knew that Joshua would have things to fear, that he would be afraid, so He told him not to because He would be with him. God says the same thing to me when there are things to fear, because He knows my fears and He knows the giants and ites that I will be going up against.

I keep trying to think of what I want. What I want my Promised Land to include. Of course, just because I want it to be a certain way doesn't mean that it'll turn out that way. I would love to custom order my Promised Land.
It would include a job where I get to do something creative, something that brings me happiness. (Teaching has let me be creative and has made me happy, but it is time for a change.) I can think of the things that I love to do. I love to cook and I really love to bake. Not sure that I am good enough at either of them to make a living. I love crafts and making things. The idea of doing that is very appealing to me. Lately, I have wanted to take old furniture and transform it. It would allow me to be creative. I also really like the idea of transforming something old into something new.

Of course, none of these options have the security of my present job. That is one thing I fear. I fear not the fact that I don't know what I will be doing. I fear that I might not have the financial security that I have now. Teachers don't make a lot of money, believe me, but I do have a decent paycheck that covers my bills. I have health insurance. I have retirement. The idea of walking away from those securities cause me to fear.

So I guess the question is, do I continue to stay where I am and let the fear win or do I step out into my Promised Land? Do step out into the unknown? Into a land full of giants and ites? Honestly, part of me says no, but the other part of me can't wait until I get to make that first step in.