Saturday, December 31, 2011

One last time...

Well, I posted a blog I wrote earlier and it wasn't the real post I was supposed to write. Yeah, it was all about obedience and I totally wasn't being obedient.

So what was the real post supposed to be about? It was supposed to be about a big thing that I think about a lot, but rarely if ever talk about. It is painful and exposing and sharing it seems like the craziest thing to do. BUT it is what God is telling me to write about. So here goes....I am hestitanting...still hestitating....asking Him if I really have to do this....okay here goes.

When I moved to North Carolina I had an extremely hard first year. It was a good year, of healing, but healing can be painful because sometimes it involves needed surgery. God did some heart surgery on me and it was excurciating at times. I wouldn't trade that time for anything!

Okay, that doesn't seem like a big deal, but that's just some details. What happened that year was I met someone who stirred something in my heart I had never felt before. No, it wasn't a man. It was a 4th grade boy, and he stirred the Mom part of my heart. I had been teaching for over ten years at the time so I have had hundreds of students, and some who needed special care and loving, but they never stirred that spot in my heart before. His story is his so I won't tell it, but I can say he needed that Mom spot in my heart as much as I needed it stirred.

For two school years I spend time with him and enjoyed the ups and the downs, and sometimes there were serious downs. Even as I enjoyed time with him, I knew that it would change after he was done with elementary school. Those thoughts overshadowed too many of my thoughts and caused an ache in my heart. Then the day came and he moved on from elementary school to middle school. I have to admit I cried like I've never cried before. It honestly felt like someone had died. It felt like a part of my heart had been ripped out.

After a summer of missing him, he played football for his middle school team. I spent Saturdays watching him play and it was a very small taste of what I was missing. But it didn't last. The season ended and then, well then nothing. There wasn't a time to spend with him or watching him and it broke my heart all over again. I tried hard to figure out a way to hold on but I couldn't.  

So then periodic times of rare communication happened, and I realized that was all I was going to get. I wasn't sure if I should try harder. I wasn't sure if I should just let go and think of it as a time period that was. I wasn't sure of anything. I prayed. I cried. I tried too hard. I didn't try at all.

Days passed, months passed, and now years have passed, and the Mom part of my heart still cries and wonders. I wonder if anyone will ever fill that part of my heart. I wonder if some day God will restore a relationship and he will fill that part. Now I know God is the only one who can fill my heart, but there's a reason that there's a verse about the desires of our hearts. He made us with specific desires, talents, gifts. It's okay to have desires of the heart. If it wasn't He wouldn't have included a verse about getting them.

So why did He ask me to write this now? I'm not sure. Maybe it was another part of that heart surgery He performs (believe me this hurt, it hurt a lot!) I still pray for him. I still care about him. I still hope.

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