The last few days have hit me like a ton of bricks, and they hit hard! School stuff, emotions, and feelings I haven't felt for a long time all on a collision course for my heart and all struck at the same time.
I cried my way to work yesterday and couldn't have told anyone why because it was such a mix bag of things. Last night I woke up with night terror so bad that I sat on my bed with my heart pounding so hard in my chest that it made my head hurt. I woke up this morning sad and after feeding the furry babies cried myself back to sleep over something that I had given God such a long time ago and have gained such peace from Him. It wasn't the same, I didn't pick it back up, no it was different. It was like crying over a death from long ago that memories, good memories, stirred up remembrance.
As I got up I know I had a lot of cleaning to do. I opened Rhapsody on my computer and went to my cleaning standby, TobyMac. Who wouldn't be motivated to keep at even a ugh task as cleaning while listening to Toby? Well, today it aggravated me. I put down the dust rag and changed the music. I can't say it is better, still listening to it. It is good music, at least I think so, but the words are tearing me raw. The words feel like lies, but they aren't. The words whispering in my mind tell me they are but I know there not. I just need my heart to get where my brain already is.
I will keep cleaning when I'm done, but I knew I needed to sit down and write this. Not that I want to. I really don't like crying and admitting crying is even worse. I don't like sharing deep down me. I don't like hitting "publish" at the end of many of my posts, but I know that God has asked me to share my heart in this way. So I'll try to pour out what I can't even understand and put into words.
So the school stuff, last year I had a very stressful year. I had students who weren't behavior problems in the typical sense at least. I had OCD, ADHD, Autism, Emotional Disturbed, Learning Disabled, Anxiety Disorder, and many unnamed issues in my room. I felt like a punching bag each day. I felt pulled in a million needy directions. I had tears to deal with, some over hurt feelings and others over angry outbursts day in and day out. I honestly wanted to quit. I thought I would never teach another year. I thought I couldn't. The crazy thing was I loved these kids. They were needy and they needed me. The last day came and they all left after their promotion ceremony and I thought "next year will be so much easier!" I mean it had to be! Well, I got the class list and all dreams of a year without any such problems mocked me from the sheet of names. It isn't the kids themselves that are the issue. I guess the issue is I hoped that I finally was getting my due. I have had this type of class for years, I can't even count how far back. I guess I was hoping beyond hope that this year would be different. That this year the power that be would think I had suffered enough and needed a break. That didn't happen.
The emotions and feelings, well I already mentioned crying myself back to sleep this morning. The other day I put my pictures back up of the niece and nephews, one of Riley, and then I put up two of "my boy". I thought I could just hang them but the roll of emotions that went over me as I did made me stop and turn away. He isn't in my life, besides me reading the occasional Facebook post, and he isn't the boy that he was. Maybe I miss the memory of who he was most. Maybe I miss the hugs he readily gave or the smile that lit up his whole face. Maybe I miss a memory, a dream, maybe.
I also miss a feeling. A feeling that brought a smile to my face and a soaring to my heart. I miss a blossoming of something good, something I had never had before. Then it changed! Suddenly without any warning. Like running into a brick wall that wasn't there a second before. I tried to push against that wall and it just added another layer of brick. Finally the wall was so thick there was no point any longer. When it got there, or I finally realized how thick it had become, I totally turned it all over to God. He replaced it with a peace like I never expected and I felt light and free. So why the good memory stir today to push me to tears that rolled thickly down my face? I don't know!
Maybe it is what all struggle does. Struggle either draws you to Christ or it builds up a wall of its own inside of you. Right now I don't want to draw close to Christ. How's that for honesty for you? But I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I don't want it to build a wall in me. Maybe that's why I need to write this, need to post this. Maybe that will help me turn to Christ. I hope so.
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