Admitting That I Don't Believe

I don't believe that God is going to give me the desires of my heart.

There I said it. I have thought it, wrestled with it for years, and tried to pretend that I don't believe it. But I do.

I know in my head that it isn't true. I know the verses that tell me that He will, that He wants to. I know the messages taught, books wrote, and songs sung. The problem is that it doesn't really matter how much my head knows it if my heart doesn't.

This morning I deleted part of my post from yesterday because it included something about the desire of my heart. It was too much of me to leave out there. It was too much of what I long for Him to do and since I struggle with believe He will, I just couldn't leave it out there. I will admit deleting it hurt me, but the idea of letting other people know it and it not happening hurt just as much if not more. Writing it and feeling the overwhelming sense of rejection caused me to cry myself to sleep.

I woke up with the same ache and went straight to the computer to delete it. On my drive to work I kept trying not to cry about it and that led my to pray. So my new prayer is not for the desires of my heart. My new prayer isn't that I will know about how much He wants to give blessings to me. It isn't that I see what He can do. My prayer isn't that I will know the character of God. My new prayer is that I will know God. I want to just know Him. Maybe if I can just get to know Him, He will change my heart.