Last night I was lying in my bed and crying out to God. I was asking Him why. Why I have to go through the emotional struggles? Why I had to experience the rejections in my life? Why I have had to struggle with my weight? Why I had to loss my voice and not be the talkative person I used to be? Why? Why? Why?
My last question was a how. How can my life glorify you? How?
I feel asleep when the tears were spent and with a sense of calm. I thought it was odd that I felt so calm considering my heart wrenching experience. My sleep was also calm, no dreams, no waking up in the middle of the night.
I did wake up very early though, around 3:30, and my first though was "spirit of heaviness". I think God was telling me that I had a spirit of heaviness. It fit. As I was becoming more alert I started to think of the verse that the phrase comes from. Piece of the verse came to mind but I couldn't put the whole thing together. When I finally climbed out of bed, the kittens will only wait so long to be fed, I got online to find the verse. It immediately popped up when I searched for it. Isaiah 61:3.
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.
Did you see it? I knew so much of this verse from memory, but I didn't not remember the last part. "that He might be glorified". I still can't look at my life, my struggles and see how He can glorified, but this verse says that He is glorified when He transforms. I understand the ashes, mourning, and heaviness part, and I know that He is transforming my life. Even though I can't understand how He is going to be glorified I know He will be. I am looking forward to the beauty, oil of joy, and garment of praise, and I am looking forward to seeing Him glorified.