In 6 Months

In 6 months I will know if a decision made today was worth making or not.

That's it! That's all the details you get for now. Within 6 months I'll either tell you all about it or I will try to forget all about it.

Sorry, to be vague, but maybe I've piqued your interest and you'll definitely check back to find out. :)

Dealing with Emotions is Something I Really Never Want to Do!

This morning I have gone from feeling angry to feeling sad to feeling rejected to feeling angry to feeling useless to feeling sad. And probably a few more emotions packed in there too, and it's only 11 AM!

Oh, and these range of wandering emotions don't even have to do with just one thing. I think if it did it would be easier. It would be easier to identify what was the trigger of all the emotions and leave that in God's hands. But my mind jumps from one thing to another and each jump brings with it its own set of emotions. What are some of these things?

I don't want to be a teacher anymore. I mean I really don't want to be a teacher anymore! This is not just a couple of rough years in a row. I just have no spark left for teaching. I used to love it. I was able to come up with ideas of ways to help my students. I loved the challenge. Now, I still can come up with things, but I definitely don't love the challenge. I feel closed in, like I've been shoved into a box with no way out. I look forward to each weekend as if it is a vacation, and I really don't want Mondays to come. I am tired of each year hearing about what "next year's class" is going to be like. It is never good news. Do I still care for the kids? Yes. I just don't want to do this anymore.

What else? That does seem like enough to be dealing with to me.

I am feeling like some friendships are growing and deepening. That is NOT a bad thing. I am enjoying this. However, other ones seemed to be going through a phase that I have had to endure a few times before. Have you ever had a relationship, or two, or more like this? You invest and invest into the other person and things seem to be going well, and then you have a need. You need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk something through with. Yet, the other person is too interested in themselves to even acknowledge your need. Unfortunately, I have been there a few times. I can think of a time when a friend and I made all kinds of plans to do together on my birthday. She came over and we started in on our plans and then she announces she is leaving early to go hang out with a group of married friends and their kids. She was married and wanted kids. I was shocked that she would just ditch me like that. That hurt!

Right now I feel God telling me to step out into a few new things and a friend who I expected would be supportive, hasn't been. It hasn't been that she has been discouraging, but rather she has been silent and indifferent. I know I do not need anyone else's approval to do something I feel God is telling me to do, but I can't say that it doesn't hurt to not get it.

Part of the anger that I have been feeling is in regards to people taking what they have for advantage and even treating it as if it is not sacred,which it is. I have to remember that sometimes I take things, even major things, for granted. I also have to remember not to judge other people based on my standards or even my beliefs. I have to remember that God has each of us at different stages in our lives and I can't judge someone because they are in a different one. That one is a hard one, the not judging part!

Well, there are more things, but I think I've bared enough of me for now. I have a lot of trouble doing that, but I knew that blogging would help me to release some of the frustration with the emotions that I have been feeling today, and over the last few days in particular. Last night I felt such a peace come over me when I was deep in the muck of one of these emotions. I know that peace was God. I also know He has called me to share my struggles with my mind, emotions, and steeping out into the changes He has for me. That means sharing here. I hope this relates to someone and helps.

Why?

Why can I go days, weeks, even months without feeling the loss of not having the desire of my heart met? Why does it seem to come on suddenly, and unexpectedly? Why does it grip my heart, twist, and leave me in tears?

I know just because I want something doesn't mean I will get it. I am too much of a realist to think just because I want it, it will happen. I'm not talking about not having the faith to believe He can do it. I am talking about knowing that many a man and woman have longed for something, more than anything else, and it never came to pass. Did they not believe that God could do it? I am sure many of them did, but it never happened for them. So I understand that just desring doesn't mean it will happen.

I just want to be okay with it. I want to not feel the deep ache of not having a family of my own. I want to be content with the life that God has for me. Why can't I be?

My Favorite Person in the Bible

Her story is brief yet found in Matthew, Mark, and Luke. It is a bit longer in the Mark and Luke versions, but I love the Matthew version because of its simplicity.

"And Jesus rose and followed him, with his disciples. And behold, a woman who suffered from a discharge of blood for twelve years came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, for she said to herself, "If I only touch his garment, I will be made well." Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, "Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well." And instantly the woman was made well." Matthew 9:19-22

Why? Because, oh my, there are so many reasons, where do I start. Seriously, I don't know where to start. I love her for so many reasons. I could write and write about her and have even toyed with the idea, a few years ago, about writing a book about her. I still might.

Okay, for this post I am just going to focus on how the fact that she only thought that if she just touched Him she would be made healed. Think about it while people are following Him and calling after Him and begging Him to touch them, she thinks if she just touches Him she'll be made whole. Do you see the difference?

She know He was the One. The only One who could heal her or anyone for that matter. Why does she think this? I can't be totally sure, but I think it is because she believes He is the Messiah, the Son of God. I mean who else but the Son of God could heal her by her touching Him. Wait, not even Him. She knew that just touch His clothing could heal her. That is faith, in my opinion, arguably the best example of complete faith in the whole Bible.

She didn't beg Him. She didn't get in His face so He could see her. She didn't invite Him to come to her, by the way He was on the way to heal someone else's daughter. She didn't need one-on-one time with Him. She didn't seek an audience or schedule a faith heaing session. She demanded nothing of Him. She just knew that she would be healed by touching Him.

This is just one of the many reasons why I love her. That kind of faith is the kind I would like to have!

Knowing "No!"

Have you ever been doing something or thinking something and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was a "no"? I have.

Today I was looking into something on the Internet, nothing bad mind you, but I knew in my spirit that God was saying, "no". I wasn't supposed to be thinking about it. It is an option for my future, but He has said "no" it is not.

Now, the struggle I have with this "no" is that it isn't a bad thing. It makes "sense" for a next step for me. It even is something that, in many ways, appeals to me. Also, I already kind of said I was interested in it. I am not a good "no" sayer (my students might argue that point!). I am especially not a good "no" sayer after I already said "yes". I will have to deal with that when the time is right.

Yesterday, I wrote about having trouble with trusting God with my future. I am however, happy to know that one option is out. I know it is because He said "no". Sometimes I don't like being told "no", I mean who does. But this "no" actually encourages me. It lets me know that I can hear His voice. It also lets me know He has something else for me. And it lets me know that I don't have to figure out what to do. He already has a plan. He already knows what the "yes" will be.

This trusting in Him thing is hard, but there is freedom in knowing His "no".

Why Can't I Just Trust?

In 2000 I knew that I was going to be moving on from the school where I was working and from New York. I knew when the end of the school year, June 2001, came along I would be making a major change. Now, I would be lying if I didn't say that there were times of doubt, but for the most part I just believed He was going to take care of everything.

This time is different! I know that changes are coming, and I am trying to figure out what the change is going to be. I did not do that in 2000/2001. So, why am I virtually obsessing about it now?

Is it lack of faith? It's not that I don't know He is faithful, because I know He is. He has proven that over and over again. Is it because it is so much bigger than any chnage I have experienced before? I don't know. All I do know is it makes me anxious and I don't consider myself an anxious person.

Part of me wonders why I am even writing this blog, okay all of me, but I tried to ignore the urge to write it for awhile, but the urge just got worse. So, here I am typing away about my obsessive, anxious, whirling thoughts of how I know change is coming, and I am not trusting Him. I hope that means someone will benefit from it!

Too Many Ideas To Think About

Last night, when I finally crawled into bed, my mind was jumping. I have stated before that I am in need of a change. Lately, I have been running with an idea that kind of excited me. Yesterday, I thought, "really? Is this really what I want to do?" Honestly, I don't think so anymore. Amazing what a couple of hours can do to my thoughts. I really think I was trying to figure out a way to do something new and still be doing something "safe".

Today, I endured a meeting and thought, "I really don't want to do this anymore!" After getting home I went on my walk, and I was thinking, "I could keep doing what I have been doing. It is "safe". I am used to it. I think I might even be good at it. But I really don't want too."

So, back to my jumping thoughts from last night. There are so many things that I have wanted to do. So many things that have actually dreamed of doing, some that I have been dreaming of doing for years. I was wondering if one of those things is what I am supposed to do, or is it possible that God wants me to do something I haven't even thought of. The easiest way to find out is to ask. So, I did.

I told God that I have so many ideas and I wanted them all to go away, except for the correct one. I don't want to think about "maybes" and "what ifs". I don't want to focus on anything that keeps my mind too busy to hear His voice. I only want to walk in the way that He leads me in. I don't want to try to figure it out, but I do want to do the right thing. I want to focus my thoughts on the right thoughts.

Last night I had an interesting dream and the interesting part was that a friend was working at God's Way Academy. We went to another school and the guy in charge was horrible. I kept thinking I wanted to get out of that school. I wanted her to take to me to God's Way Academy. I wanted to be there so badly. Soon the guy got so bad that we left and on the way out I told her to tell me about God's Way Academy. Then I woke up.

I smiled and thought, "that is where I want to be. I want to be right there, in God's Way."