But Rejoicing Comes in the Morning

The other day a group or friends and I were discussing a person who went through the loss of a parent. She hadn't given herself any time to grieve her loss and her behavior changed. She became hard and inflexible and difficult to deal with. All because she didn't let herself grieve.

Honestly, I don't enjoy grieving, but it is necessary. Not grieving means all sorts of bad things: avoiding reality, hardness, building walls of protection, and missing out on things. I also don't like any of those things, so why not just let myself grieve when I need to? I did mention that I don't like grieving.

Of course, another reason might be that sometimes I don't even know that I need to. I have avoided it for so long that I become numb to what I need to grieve that I just forget about it. How does that seem possible? Well, because I am really good at ignoring things, so that makes it possible. 

Yesterday I knew there was something from my past that I needed to grieve. Something that shaped a lot of my adult life. Something that helped me hid the real me so I could avoid certain relationships. Something that needed to be grieved. But I didn't want to grieve it. I decided that I would give myself time to grieve when I went to bed. So I stayed up later and was too tired at bedtime. Did I mention I am really good at ignoring things?!

This morning I woke up and I knew that I couldn't put it off. I knew that grieving this would bring me one step closer to a healing in my life that I truly long for. This healing is much more valuable to me than keeping a hold on this grief. I picked up my journal and began to write. Soon the tears came and I had to put the pen down. I continued to talk aloud about what I was grieving over and what it had stolen from me, what I had guard myself from. Once I was able to write again I continued to journal about my grief. 

As I did a thought struck me: God never said don't grieve. He tells us to be anxious for nothing, to not fear, to be strong and courageous. He doesn't say don't grieve. Actually He tells us that joy comes in the morning for those who grieve. He tells us there is a season for grieving. He blesses those who grieve and tells us they will be comforted. 

He understands grief. There has been more than one time when He has said to me, "now you understand a little of how I feel." Once when my Chester cat had gotten out and was missing for two months, I heard the Lord say to me, "now you understand how I feel when just one of my children runs away from me." I was grieving! God was telling me that He grieves!

So what is the result of the grieving I did this morning? Well, I acknowledged the truth of how much it hurt. I acknowledged what it cost me, how it made me not trust. It made me acknowledge that I do not wish to continue to live my life based on a hurt from so long ago. I want to trust others and myself. I want to have the kind of relationship that it made me terrified to actually have. I wanted to walk in freedom and not let the anchor of this keep me stuck. I realized that it is okay to grieve. Healthy to grieve. Necessary to grieve. And expectant for the joy that comes in the morning.

nationalmirroronline.net

When You Walk Through Fire You Shall Not Be Burned

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

Isaiah 43:2

The last year this verse has been my experience. August 2013 began with a prayer that I thought would bring freedom and healing. Little did I know it would be accomplished through some trying experiences. There were times that I thought the emotions I was experiencing would overwhelm me. There were times of such anxiety that I felt incredible physical pain. I felt like I was being consumed. 

Parts of my past resurfaced and had to be dealt with. Things I hadn't thought about in twenty years came up and I had to face them. Then I had to give them to the Healer and go through the process of having my heart healed. Honestly, so many things from around the same time period surfaced that it was overwhelming at times. As I look back now, I can see how many of those events, that time in my life, helped changed me from a bubbly child to a quieter person. People who know me now, who didn't know me as a child, might find it hard to believe that I used to get "talks too much" on my report cards. I had a lot to say! ;)

There were time over the last year, when I thought it would be easier to just have God take me home than to continue to go through the process. Yet, I also knew that on the other side there would be something so much better than anything I have had to this point. As July started I'll admit I was really starting to hope that this was just a year-long process. I longed for August 2014 and the hopeful end to this healing process. It might be too early to say this, but I feel that I have come through it.

About a week ago I was talking with someone about one of the hard things I had come through, and how differently I had dealt with it, with my feelings. As I finished sharing with her the lines from Isaiah 43:2 went through my mind. No sooner had I thought them, then she was quoting them. I smiled because I felt God was confirming that I have indeed come through the river and the fire, that I was on the other side. Maybe it's too soon to think that this year-long process is over, but since then I have felt an in-explainable peace. A calm, a joy has filled me. 

Do I think that there will be no more testings, no more healing processes? Of course not. I know that as long as I live there will be more healing processes, more parts of my heart that need to be removed so I can become more like Christ. But for right now I feel that I am in a time, even if it's brief, of being on the mountain top with the wonderful wind whipping through my hair.

www.heartlight.org

Accepting What I Have Denied

There is a pain so deep in the core of my being that I have denied its cause my whole life. I don't deny that the pain is there. I have tried to deny how much it truly hurts, but I no longer can. I opened up my heart's ache to the touch of the Lord, so it is no longer possible to deny it.

What I have denied is the whys, the causes, of the pain. There are parts that I have accepted, but parts that I haven't. I have truly wanted somethings to not be true, to not have happened. I have tried to explain them away, excuse them. Last night, the veil was lifted, and I saw it for what it was. I allowed myself to remember what I didn't get that I needed to grow up healthier and more whole than I am. What I don't want to do is stay there. I don't want to stay in the past and let it continue to dictate how I feel about myself now, how I live now.

However, right now, I need to grieve it. I need to allow myself to feel the feelings that I have. I need to guard against bitterness and anger, but I need to allow myself to feel the normal feelings of loss. So I will take some time to feel and let the Lord heal what only He can heal. I know He can and will heal my broken places and help me become the me He is revealing.

Praying to Quiet the Thoughts

The other day I was having not-so-nice thoughts about someone. Even as I was thinking them I knew that I needed to stop. I tried to just not think them, but that only worked for a little while, and the yucky thoughts were back. I could physically and emotionally feel the effects of the thoughts. Then a verse popped into my head.

"If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; for you will heap burning coals on his head, and God will reward you." Proverbs 25:21-22

Specifically, the second part. I know that heaping burning coals on someone's head sounds awful, but it truly is not. In ancient times people traveled from place to place, think of shepherds, since they couldn't just run to the local Walmart to get a fire-starter they had to carry heated coals with them. They would take hot coals from their fire and put them in a box. The box would then be placed on their head as they traveled. That evening they would take the hot coals out of the box and use them to start their fire. Giving someone hot coals was considered an act of kindness. Giving coals to an enemy would obviously be seen as an extreme act of kindness, and according to Proverbs would result in a reward from God.

So what does this have to do with my thoughts? I stopped and prayed for the person I was thinking about and prayed that coals would be heaped on his/her head so he/she would have what is needed on his/her life journey. As I prayed the ugly, unkind thoughts simply stopped. I believe that was God's reward for heaping the coals. In 2 Corinthians 10 we are told to take ever thought captive. I don't know about anyone else, but I find this very hard to do at times. I am a thinker. As a thinker, my mind can go into speeding mode and it is very hard to slow it down enough to even stop the thoughts, let allow take them captive. I believe that by heaping these coals through prayer the Lord helped me to take those unkind thoughts captive.

Now, these heaping-of-coals prayer can be for more than just my enemies. The yucky thoughts I was having were not for an enemy, but rather for a friend. Yea, I just admitted that! I am sure I'm not the only one who has had a bad thought, a judgmental thought, or a even vengeful thought toward someone that I care about. For me it makes the physical and emotional impact even more profound when it is for someone I care about. If I am commanded to give an enemy food, water, and heaping coals, then how much more should I do this for a friend or family member!

Over the last few days a bad thought, a negative memory, and even a judgement has popped into my head. I woke up with one this morning, literally woke up thinking a negative thought about someone. Each time I have stopped and prayed for the person, in a specific direction when possible, but each time heaping those coals on their head. Each time the result was the same. The thoughts were gone, and I know that God truly will put upon that person what he/she needs. Next time you have a not-so-nice thought give it a try and see what the Lord does.

cprezra823.blogspot.com

Becoming Myself

The other day I was clicking through my email and deleting the junk. There always seems like there is so much junk! Usually I just click the little box without even viewing the email, you know the ones that are trying to get you to buy something. Well, for some reason I decided to open up one from a Christian book seller. I thought I'd see if there was any fiction books that I might like. Instead I saw a book that jumped off the screen at me. Becoming Myself: Embracing God's Dream of You by Stasi Eldredge. The title made me think it was perfect for me! The little blurb confirmed it.

For most of my life I have been hearing all sorts of messages about what is wrong with me. Some of these messages have been external but many have been internal. I am sure that I am not the only one who has heard them and repeated them to myself. I'm too fat. I'm too quiet. I don't say the right thing. I don't do the right thing. I'm not smart enough. I'm not social enough. I'm too passive. I'm not good enough. I'm too damaged. I'm too broken. Etc. Most of the time I believed these messages. These lies.

There are days when I believe these lies wholeheartedly. They are yelling in my mind and my heart. They keep telling me that I need to change. I need to be fixed. They keep telling me that I need to do this or that. That's the key, or the problem, I. I need to lose weight. I need to speak more. I need to say the right thing. I need to do the right thing. I need to be smarter. I need to be more outgoing. I need to be more assertive.  I need to be better. I need to be fixed. I need to be whole. I. I. I.

After only one chapter of this book, I realize that it isn't I who needs to do anything but let go. God is the one who can. He's in the business of transforming people. He doesn't say, "do this list of fix'ems and you'll be all better," or, "once you start the work I'll finish it up for you." Instead He wants me to just give all of me to Him. He will do the transforming. Yes, there are some things that He'll require along the way, but not as prerequisites. Rather they are steps that allow me to flex the fixes that He is working. Kinda like spiritual PT.

Now, I'm not saying you have to read a book, besides the Bible, to get answers, but for me I think this book has already helped me learn something that I need. God already knows who I am, and He wants me to embrace who I am. He is doing the work to change me into that person. "For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his son..." Romans 8:29a. See it there? He is making me become.

http://store.ransomedheart.com/books/becoming-myself-582.html

There Is No Real Instant Miracle

Bare with me and read the whole post before you assume you know what I am stating!

Instant miracles. I believe in them and I don't. I believe in them because scripture has them recorded and I have known people who experienced them. But I do not believe they are truly instant miracles. Why not?

The woman who had a bleeding disorder for 12 years sought help from doctors for years.The Bible doesn't give a back story of those 12 years, except to mention the doctors who could not heal her. Being a woman I can imagine how truly awful this experience was for her. I can imagine her desperation as she hoped one of the doctors would finally be able to heal her. I can imagine the devastation each time he said he couldn't help her. Each day that passed brought her to all sorts of places in her heart and mind. She was unclean by law and she could have no husband. A Jewish woman was only of value based her marriage and the sons she had. This woman had no value in her world and she experienced the agony of her disease as well.

Luke 8:44 says her bleeding stopped immediately when she touched Jesus garment. There! There is the proof that there are instant miracles. But this woman was being prepared for 12 years to receive this miracle. She had already tried all the conventional ways to be healed. She longed for relief. She longed to be clean. She longed to be accepted by her culture. There is no way that over those 12 years her heart and mind didn't change. 

I wonder if she had been a proud woman at one time. Maybe she had been considered extremely beautiful. She had money to pay for the doctors so she may have come from a family of means, but she didn't have anymore money. Verse 43 says that she had spent it all on those doctors. She could not possibly be the same woman she was before her bleeding had begun. Now, she was ready. Now she was at a place in her life where she hid herself, low to the ground so she could touch the hem of Jesus' garment. 

He didn't see her. The disciples mention the throng of people and wondered how He could say "someone touched me". Verse 47 states that she realized that she was not hid so she came out trembling and fell before Him. She told Him why she touched Him and that she was healed immediately. He responds that her faith has made her whole. 

Faith isn't instant. Faith develops over time. Faith is made from experience. If Jesus had come through her town when she was a month or two into her infliction she have ignored Him and kept visiting her doctor. She would have not been ready to received her healing from Him. She wouldn't have been desperate enough. 12 years in thought she was desperate. Doctors failed her. He money was gone. She was afraid, alone, and had come to a place where she believed the only answer was was Jesus. At the moment she got to that point she was willing to humble herself, get down on the ground, reach out from hiding, and touch His garment. 

Her immediate healing took her 12 years to get to. 

We are all in a process. No matter what our issue, our wound, our despair is we have to get to the point of being ready to receive that instant miracle. It looks different for each of us. It may be shorter for some and excruciatingly long for others. Her 12 years look like a drop in the bucket for the man who had been blind since birth that was healed. We don't know how old he was but he probably wasn't anywhere near the age of Abraham when he finally saw the miracle of Issac's birth. 

Is very easy for me to say, "why isn't he better yet? Why isn't she over it yet? Why is he not healed yet? Why hasn't her faith made her whole? Why am I still waiting to see the promise of the Lord in my life?" It is just as easy for others to do the same. But none of us knows the moment that we will have finally gotten the right measure of faith to receive our instant miracle. 

I have learned over the last year, in particular, that I need to shut my mouth. I need to stop wondering and critiquing others' journeys. I believe that some of my experiences over these last eleven months, or so, have been to show me that I need to not judge anyone's journey to that level of faith that brings with it Jesus' words, "daughter (or son), be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace." and instant healing. I don't know what God still needs to do in them to get them to that place. Frankly, I don't know what He still needs to do to me to get me to that place. But as my faith grows, I know that I will get there and that others will too. 

witnessestohope.org

Insignificant

This is a hard post to even consider writing. It is too revealing and too raw. It makes me feel "whiny" or "self-centered". Yet this blog and my journey is to be more real, more transparent. There are so many reasons why I internalize my pain, fears, feelings. Some are because of being introverted.  Most are from long ago hurts and pains and not getting what I needed. I hear my voice repeating in my head so many times, "just get through this and you can go home and cry." Everything in me says, "don't let it show. Don't let them see. Be the good one. Be the one who seems to have it all together. Be quiet. Don't annoy people with always having a problem." Satan wants me to be quiet. He wants me to continue to suffer alone and silent. He wants me to feel insignificant. He knows that if I truly see how significant I am, to God to others, then he's lost. So even though I want to continue to just cry it out by myself, I heard this Voice say, "others need to know the struggle. They need to know that they are not alone." That is the reason for this post.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was up there on the list of one of the worst birthdays ever! I had a few wonderful hours that I spent with two friends that made this whole of sunshine brighten a part of it. The rest was awful! I said it was my 23rd birthday, but in all honesty I don't mind the fact that I just turned 42. My skin of a 14 year-old helps me not look 42. I have been blessed with good genes that make me look much younger than I am. But at the same time being 42 makes me sad.

42 birthdays. Up until my very early 20's those birthdays involved family and friends. But the rest have been lonely. I have spent too many birthdays alone. No family around or no friends. A few years ago I decided that I would make my own birthday tradition. I started inviting people to go to a movie and dinner or lunch with me. The first year there were three of us for the movie and four of us for dinner. Last year the group grew to eight or nine people. Last year, I thought "I can do this! This isn't so bad." This year was completely different.

This year I hated the fact that the only way my birthday would be celebrated was if I made it happen. I have attended surprise parties for friends' birthdays. They were planned out by husbands or siblings or friends. I have been part of celebrations that were planned with everyone's knowledge. Once I've seen what it's like to have others plan something for someone whether in surprise or together, I started to realize how much I wanted that too. But that didn't happen. I had to plan my own birthday celebration once again.

Already feeling like I was all alone in my journey, I then got hit with rejection after rejection. Please know that I know other things were already planned. I understand that not everyone can change their life to revolve around me. This is the part that makes me feel whiny! I asked a fairly large number of friends and acquaintances to come. I got a quick "yes" and was feeling good. I was thinking, "maybe a good group will form for this." That "yes" was followed by more "nos" than I don't even want to count. I expected "nos". I just didn't expect so many. I got one more "yes" and then silence. Honestly, the silent answer of "no" hurt the worse. With each "no" a voice spoke that said things like "don't you wish you had a family to go to ___ with?" or "must have been nice that someone throw them a surprised party, huh?" or "you are so not important enough for them."

I was up in the early hours of my birthday sobbing. I cried up until I left to meet my two friends for a burst of sunshine in my day. The movie was very good. Lunch and just talking was enjoyable and pleasant. It was nice just being the three of us. It made it more intimate. But the clouds of my heart rolled back in as I came home, alone. The sheer weight of feeling like I don't matter filled me again. I cried a whole lot more. I checked Facebook to see my birthday wishes, and am truly thankful that I received the ones I did. But there were few, and most were from family. Of course, not everyone of my FB friends are on everyday, so I don't expect a "happy birthday" to fill my news-feed. It was just one more way that the pressure of insignificance could push down on me. I simply closed my laptop.

I wish I could say that I prayed and it was all better. I wish I could say I opened up my Bible and read words that soothed my ache away. I did pray and I did read, but the hurt still clung. I did hear God's voice. I did hear him tell me to "fix my eyes on Him." That helped me to fall asleep last night, looking to Him for the peace that I needed to do so. I woke this morning and wanted to just put it all behind me. I just be quiet and not let anyone know how awful my birthday was. It was hard not to be reminded that it should have been great by the comments made in texts and on FB, but it wasn't. Then I hear that Voice I mentioned before. The one that said that I needed to write this post. The Voice that I would have liked to ignore and just try to coast through the day. I didn't even bother to fight. I knew that He was right and I needed to share.

Besides the obvious of keeping my eyes on Him and not my problems, I don't have any easy, pat answers on how not to feel this heavy weight of insignificance. I wish I could say, "do this 3 things and you will never feel insignificant again." (Say that aloud in a cheesy infomercial voice.) God could have spoken into heart and told me I am significant to Him. I know in my head that I am, now to get to the heart. But instead He choose to let me go through the deep waters of feeling it, with Him right there with me, so that today I would write this post about it. I don't know who needed to hear, "you are not alone" but someone did.

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