Insignificant

This is a hard post to even consider writing. It is too revealing and too raw. It makes me feel "whiny" or "self-centered". Yet this blog and my journey is to be more real, more transparent. There are so many reasons why I internalize my pain, fears, feelings. Some are because of being introverted.  Most are from long ago hurts and pains and not getting what I needed. I hear my voice repeating in my head so many times, "just get through this and you can go home and cry." Everything in me says, "don't let it show. Don't let them see. Be the good one. Be the one who seems to have it all together. Be quiet. Don't annoy people with always having a problem." Satan wants me to be quiet. He wants me to continue to suffer alone and silent. He wants me to feel insignificant. He knows that if I truly see how significant I am, to God to others, then he's lost. So even though I want to continue to just cry it out by myself, I heard this Voice say, "others need to know the struggle. They need to know that they are not alone." That is the reason for this post.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was up there on the list of one of the worst birthdays ever! I had a few wonderful hours that I spent with two friends that made this whole of sunshine brighten a part of it. The rest was awful! I said it was my 23rd birthday, but in all honesty I don't mind the fact that I just turned 42. My skin of a 14 year-old helps me not look 42. I have been blessed with good genes that make me look much younger than I am. But at the same time being 42 makes me sad.

42 birthdays. Up until my very early 20's those birthdays involved family and friends. But the rest have been lonely. I have spent too many birthdays alone. No family around or no friends. A few years ago I decided that I would make my own birthday tradition. I started inviting people to go to a movie and dinner or lunch with me. The first year there were three of us for the movie and four of us for dinner. Last year the group grew to eight or nine people. Last year, I thought "I can do this! This isn't so bad." This year was completely different.

This year I hated the fact that the only way my birthday would be celebrated was if I made it happen. I have attended surprise parties for friends' birthdays. They were planned out by husbands or siblings or friends. I have been part of celebrations that were planned with everyone's knowledge. Once I've seen what it's like to have others plan something for someone whether in surprise or together, I started to realize how much I wanted that too. But that didn't happen. I had to plan my own birthday celebration once again.

Already feeling like I was all alone in my journey, I then got hit with rejection after rejection. Please know that I know other things were already planned. I understand that not everyone can change their life to revolve around me. This is the part that makes me feel whiny! I asked a fairly large number of friends and acquaintances to come. I got a quick "yes" and was feeling good. I was thinking, "maybe a good group will form for this." That "yes" was followed by more "nos" than I don't even want to count. I expected "nos". I just didn't expect so many. I got one more "yes" and then silence. Honestly, the silent answer of "no" hurt the worse. With each "no" a voice spoke that said things like "don't you wish you had a family to go to ___ with?" or "must have been nice that someone throw them a surprised party, huh?" or "you are so not important enough for them."

I was up in the early hours of my birthday sobbing. I cried up until I left to meet my two friends for a burst of sunshine in my day. The movie was very good. Lunch and just talking was enjoyable and pleasant. It was nice just being the three of us. It made it more intimate. But the clouds of my heart rolled back in as I came home, alone. The sheer weight of feeling like I don't matter filled me again. I cried a whole lot more. I checked Facebook to see my birthday wishes, and am truly thankful that I received the ones I did. But there were few, and most were from family. Of course, not everyone of my FB friends are on everyday, so I don't expect a "happy birthday" to fill my news-feed. It was just one more way that the pressure of insignificance could push down on me. I simply closed my laptop.

I wish I could say that I prayed and it was all better. I wish I could say I opened up my Bible and read words that soothed my ache away. I did pray and I did read, but the hurt still clung. I did hear God's voice. I did hear him tell me to "fix my eyes on Him." That helped me to fall asleep last night, looking to Him for the peace that I needed to do so. I woke this morning and wanted to just put it all behind me. I just be quiet and not let anyone know how awful my birthday was. It was hard not to be reminded that it should have been great by the comments made in texts and on FB, but it wasn't. Then I hear that Voice I mentioned before. The one that said that I needed to write this post. The Voice that I would have liked to ignore and just try to coast through the day. I didn't even bother to fight. I knew that He was right and I needed to share.

Besides the obvious of keeping my eyes on Him and not my problems, I don't have any easy, pat answers on how not to feel this heavy weight of insignificance. I wish I could say, "do this 3 things and you will never feel insignificant again." (Say that aloud in a cheesy infomercial voice.) God could have spoken into heart and told me I am significant to Him. I know in my head that I am, now to get to the heart. But instead He choose to let me go through the deep waters of feeling it, with Him right there with me, so that today I would write this post about it. I don't know who needed to hear, "you are not alone" but someone did.

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