Battlefield of My Mind

A few weeks ago I couldn't take it anymore. Every word spoken to me, every action taken by someone send my mind into a battlefield. Words spoken to me became slights and attacks. Words not spoken were even worse! My brain was shouting at me things like, "if she was really your friend she would have said this or that". Actions were bad as well. The way a person looked at me, the way a person stood, were just two ways that my mind started to tell me what people meant about them. I truly felt like my mind was warring inside me and that I was losing.

A friend stopped me on the way out one Friday and linked her arm in mine and asked the question, "how are you doing?" I almost lost it, right there in the school hallway. I wanted so badly to just breakdown and weep, something I had done a lot for two weeks already. The difference was someone else could hear my crazy thoughts. I shared with her what my mind was doing. Her advice was to read Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyers.

I had actually just given another friend a copy of a devotional version of the book, because I knew God told me she needed it. I actually thought for a moment about asking for it back, but I knew she was supposed to have it, and that I needed the full book version. The problem was I didn't have it. When I got home, I texted my Mom to see if she did, but she didn't. I slipped into my comfy clothes ready to start the weekend, but my strong NEED for the book wouldn't let me rest. I jumped online and tried to find it. I could have ordered it but it was Friday so I wouldn't have gotten it until Monday or Tuesday. I knew I couldn't wait that long. So I looked it up on Walmart and Target's sites, but none of the local stores that it. Then I remembered the Christian bookstore in Matthews. I changed back into regular clothes and jumped in the car. I went right in and grabbed the book. It felt like I had won a victory.

At home again, I changed back into my comfy clothes and climbed into my bed and started reading. For the first time in weeks my mind was battling, but this time the right way. The Scriptures in the book were speaking straight to my mind and were battling back against all the lies and junk that I had been listening to and believing. Each chapter spoke (or speaks since I'm still reading it) to a battle that I was experiencing. After reading each chapter I felt relief and wondered if there might be a chapter that didn't fit me, so far they fit.

Sometimes I have no idea how much of his lies I have listened to and started believing until the Truth speaks. It is truly amazing how much our minds can get messed with before we realize that it is even happening. Why? I think it's because my voice and satan's voice are so loud. They shout in our minds, in our situations, and even in our relationships. His voice is a still, small voice. I let my mind listen to everything else but Him. Silence is the answer. Listen to Him and shut off the volume to any other voice. The only way to win the battlefield of my mind is for my mind to be on Him and the Truth of His Word. Not always easy, because as I mentioned it is hard to hear His voice over the others. A battle needs to be fought with a plan, a strategy, therefore I need to use a strategy when I feel my mind being attacked by the enemy, or even me, I need to get silent. I need to spend time listening to His voice in the form of His Word or His direct speaking to me or even His speaking to me through others.

It's time to follow that strategy. The enemy will fight back, he has no idea that he's already lost the war, so he keeps up the battles. There will be times I retreat because I think I can't continue the fighting, but God will help me regroup and get back in the battle. Because just like another of Joyce Meyer's titles "The Battle Belongs to the Lord".

Isaiah 61:3

Last night I was lying in my bed and crying out to God. I was asking Him why. Why I have to go through the emotional struggles? Why I had to experience the rejections in my life? Why I have had to struggle with my weight? Why I had to loss my voice and not be the talkative person I used to be? Why? Why? Why?

My last question was a how. How can my life glorify you? How?

I feel asleep when the tears were spent and with a sense of calm. I thought it was odd that I felt so calm considering my heart wrenching experience. My sleep was also calm, no dreams, no waking up in the middle of the night.

I did wake up very early though, around 3:30, and my first though was "spirit of heaviness". I think God was telling me that I had a spirit of heaviness. It fit. As I was becoming more alert I started to think of the verse that the phrase comes from. Piece of the verse came to mind but I couldn't put the whole thing together. When I finally climbed out of bed, the kittens will only wait so long to be fed, I got online to find the verse. It immediately popped up when I searched for it. Isaiah 61:3.

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.

Did you see it? I knew so much of this verse from memory, but I didn't not remember the last part. "that He might be glorified". I still can't look at my life, my struggles and see how He can glorified, but this verse says that He is glorified when He transforms. I understand the ashes, mourning, and heaviness part, and I know that He is transforming my life. Even though I can't understand how He is going to be glorified I know He will be. I am looking forward to the beauty, oil of joy, and garment of praise, and I am looking forward to seeing Him glorified.

Bosom Friend

I have moved around a lot and made friends in various places. Some of those friendships were surface ones, but mostly because I never let them get to deep, at least not on my part. Some of those friendships were just work ones. Some of those friendships were ones that I invested a lot of me in. Honestly, most I did not.

Friendships were something I longed for, prayed for, and even sabotaged. When I just in those middle school years I had a really bad friendship experience. It tainted all my friendships since. But I don't want that tainting in my friendships now. This means letting go of hurts and letting God heal. It has not been a painless process, and it seems almost every day that I have to fight my feelings because of it. There has been healing though and I am glad for it.

The other night, as I cried once again over feelings hurt, I prayed an Anne of Green Gables prayer. I prayed for a Bosom Friend, a Kindred Spirit. If you haven't seen the movie or read the book, this kind of friend is a friend of your heart, a friend so close, so dear. I want this kind of friend, and honestly I'm greedy, I would like more than one bosom friend. Before that prayer I don't think that I believed that I would ever have such a friend. I don't believe that today.

I have been trying to figure out how to go about getting a bosom friend, and God spoke into me the answer. Be a Bosom Friend. Okay, God how do I do that?

His answer is simple just be a friend. Consider other people. Look for opportunities to show kindness. Notice what others need and give it when I can.  Listen to celebrations, hurts, and hear what isn't being said. Give to others based on what they need, how they feel love expressed to them. Speak into their lives when God gives me the words.

So that's what I've been trying to do. I am far from good at this, but I am trying. I know there will be times, days even, where I let my selfishness get in the way. There will be times when I let my hurt feelings get in the way of doing what I should for others. I will fail to be a friend probably more times then I succeed, but with God's grace and strength I will be a friend. The best part is that I do have a Bosom Friend, Jesus. He will help me and I will become a Bosom Friend.

Infection Removal and the Emotions It Causes

The worst part about starting this blog is sometimes I feel the absolute need to post experiences that I don't understand and would rather not even be going through. This is one of those posts.

I am really good at building walls. I mean really good! I have stood on the podium and accepted my medal with the best of them. Living behind the wall has a feeling of a measure of comfort, a security. But it isn't really comfort or security, it's just a prison. There are certain walls I built almost thirty years ago and have worked hard over the years reinforcing and strengthening the bricks. Two months ago I asked God to help me tear down a wall. I cried out to Him with tears streaming down my face and told Him I didn't care which wall, but I just needed one to come down. Well, He answered.

The feeling of having that wall fall was exhilarating, the joy was immeasurable. I functioned on joyful adrenalin for about two weeks. I felt like I was flying. The line from a song (I am so bad with names of songs) was so true for me. "It's like my soul is flying while my feet are on the ground" That was how I felt until the heart surgery started.

Last Sunday, I felt Him start to do some work, and it hurts. I am no doctor, but I know that sometimes for healing to take place the infection needs to be dealt with, the dead tissue needs to be removed. That is the stage that I am in right now. All, I can say for certain is that it hurts, it hurts more than I believe I can handle. I feel raw! It feels like there is no anesthetics being used, although I am sure that God is shielding me from some of the pain that would kill me, emotionally, spiritually. Still the pain is so great I am not sure that I can endure this.

But I have to.

I have to because I so desperately want to be whole. I truly want to have healthy, loving relationships. I want to experience all the blessings that He has for me. I want to live an abundant life. Yet, I need to know how to endure through this stage.

Last night, I cried, no I bawled myself to sleep. This has been a normal occurrence over this past week. In the seven days between Sunday and Saturday, I only went tear-free one day. Oh how that one day was like a vacation from emotional Hell! But yesterday wasn't. Last night I just kept telling Him that I had no idea how to survive this. I begged Him to show me how to do this; how to deal with the feelings and not run back to that broken wall and put the pieces back together into some make-shift wall.

The emotions I am dealing with I haven't really experienced, at least not to this magnitude, since I was twelve or thirteen years-old. I feel jealousy, and I hate it. I come home after spending time with friends, or even just being at work, and I feel such loneliness that I feel like I'm drowning in it. I hate being alone, it hurts so much. I cry until my throat hurts and my eyes feel swollen shut.

I know some people are thinking of the answer. The religious ritual to perform. The words to speak to make it all go away. I don't want to sound rude, but you don't know what you are talking about!

When I was in middle school I had horrible ingrown toenails. They were so bad that the nails even grow out the side of my toe, yes the image you just got was disgusting! They were so painful and ugly. The infection was oozy and painful. I needed to have surgery, but the infection had to be dealt with beforehand. I needed to take medicine, soak my feet, and clean out the infection; I even had to stay in the hospital for a few days. The cleaning part hurt, but I needed it gone. Without the work to remove the infection I couldn't have the surgery, so it was needed.

I need to clean out the infection and dead tissue in my heart. I need to let the Great Physician do the necessary work to perform that. I do not want to go back behind the wall. Yes, the pain would lessen, but it would just be dull, not gone. I don't want to live a dull life. There is no quick fix. No infomercial, miracle product that can make this go away. As painful as the process is, I need to go through the healing. I need to be free.

To those who are near to me, both physically and in our hearts, please be patient with me as I travel this emotional roller-coaster. I hate the needy feelings that I am going through, but I need to let them be known, even when I don't understand them, even hate them. I want to be free and I want to have an abundant life filled with close, good relationships with you. Thank you for being with me through this, even though you don't understand and get frustrated. Thank you! I love you!

Mental Battles

When I am at work, teaching my students, correcting papers, and planning my thoughts revolve around my work. Those hours can be long, can be stressful, but they are also full of joy, full of times with friends and sweet children. It's when I walk across the parking lot and climb into my car that the mental battles can begin.

Not, everyday of course. Many days I climb into my car and just go home. But some days, today, I get in the car and the mental battle begins. My mind was whirling in two different directions. I tried to focus on something else, and then I knew that I needed to come home a blog about it. The battle ended.

So what was the first direction? It was the fact that I was going home alone to an empty home. It is full of sweet furry babies, but that's not enough some days. I recently did a Love Languages assessment and found that mine is quality time. Of course, that seems ironic since I spend most of my time by myself. Yet, deep down I long for time with others. I know that I need to be with others, especially when my mind starts battling. But another area I struggle with is letting my needs to be known. So of course, I want to spend time with others, but I have trouble letting other people know that. So my brain battled my feeling lonely and not being able to reach out for help.

The second direction is about football. I know, what you're thinking, but it really sent my mind whirling. When I was a kid growing up in Dolgeville, NY, going to the high school football game was the thing. The high school didn't have lights so Saturday afternoons were spent on the hill watching the game. The hill was the home side of the field. There were no bleachers and fans moved with the ball. The field was just down the hill and the visitors' side had bleachers, but we watched from the hill. Even when I went to Christian school I would go to the games with my friends. When they played Little Falls we would go the minor league baseball field and the game was played in the outfield, under the lights. Those games were always fun. Chilly nights sitting on the metal bleachers were a enjoyable time.

I loved watching football on TV. I remember a middle school boyfriend coming over on a Saturday afternoon, eating popcorn, and watching college football. I remember telling him that I thought it would be a perfect way to spend a day, eating popcorn and watching football. I still think it would be a great way to spend a day.

One of my friends mentioned that she and her husband are going to the game tonight. The high school we feed into is playing their rival school tonight. My first thought was, "I'd love to go to that game." But then the thought made me sad. Memories of watching some football games a few years ago came to my mind. I realized that I would be sad watching a high school game knowing that a certain player wouldn't be there. Knowing that he would be playing a game this weekend but that it would be far away.

Football season makes me happy, especially when I'm watching my 49ers play, but it also makes me sad. It makes me think about what was and what isn't.

So my mental battle could have raged on, and I'm not going to say that I still don't feel lonely and I still don't miss what isn't, but I know that God is working on me. I am still a work in progress, but I am so glad that He is still working on making me the person He created me to be.

Refined Like Silver

I know some of you may have already read the story below, but I think it's a good one.

Some time ago, a few ladies met to study the scriptures. While reading the third chapter of Malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse:

    "And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver" (Malachi 3:3).

One lady decided to visit a silversmith, and report to the others on what he said about the subject.

She went accordingly, and without telling him the reason for her visit, begged the silversmith to tell her about the process of refining silver. After he had fully described it to her, she asked, "Sir, do you sit while the work of refining is going on?"

"Oh, yes ma'am," replied the silversmith; "I must sit and watch the furnace constantly, for, if the time necessary for refining is exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured."

The lady at once saw the beauty and comfort of the expression, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

God sees it necessary to put His children into the furnace; but His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us. Our trials do not come at random, and He will not let us be tested beyond what we can endure.

Before she left, the lady asked one final question, "How do you know when the process is complete?"

"That's quite simple," replied the silversmith. "When I can see my own image in the silver, the refining process is finished."

-Author Unknown

I really like this story because I find a whole lot of my life has felt like being in the furnace. It hasn't always been pleasant, and sometimes down right painful. There have been moments when I've cried out and wondered why. There have been times when I have wanted God to just stop the process, but I have begged Him not to. I have begged Him to continue the process, to finish the refining, even though it is horribly hard. When I read the story above I realize that I want to be a piece of beautiful silver, silver that reflects God. I certainly don't want to be some cast-off lump that was ruined because it never made it through the refining process. I don't want it to be because of too many impurities that I wouldn't let Him remove. 

I want all that God has for me. I want to be the person that He created me to be. I want to reflect Him. Therefor, I must continue to be refined. 

Ironic!

This past weekend I had a huge breakthrough. One a long time coming, but this post isn't about that. Just know that I am a different person than I was a few days ago. This post is about a "test" I took today.

I have a group of Besties (BFFs) that I meet with each Monday evening. We examine aspects of our lives, going deep and talking about tough stuff like feelings, we talk about Jesus, and we study the Bible. This evening we decided to take the Five Love Languages Quiz. It is interesting to see what every one's love language, and some are not surprising at all.

My love language is Quality Time. Here's the brief descriptor, "For those whose love language is spoken with Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you" like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there - with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby - makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful." from The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.

Now, I like undivided attention, but I think quality time can be watching TV or going to the movies. I think it can be eating dinner together. I even think it can be silent and still be quality time. I do want people to focus on our time together though. I really don't like time to be postpones either.

The failure to listen part I think is ironic since I have struggled with sharing for such a long time. I always wanted people to put in enough time with me to get comfortable to start talking. Of course, that rarely happened. So I never got to talk and that hurt me. If I could have spoken then I think people would have listened. Remember earlier I said I have had a breakthrough? Well, I think that won't be a problem anymore.

That was ironic, but the whole idea that my love language is Quality Time is ironic, because I tend to live more in Isolation Time (or I did!). That is ironic and sad. I needed that quality time with others but instead of being able to receive love I isolated myself so I couldn't. No wonder I felt unloved most of the time! I needed time with others and I deprived myself from it. Well, like I said before, no more.

I guess it is no longer ironic, because I now crave quality time with others and they might want me to shut up, but they will be out of luck!