Friday, December 24, 2010

Surrendering Inadequacy

It's been awhile, but I got totally wrapped up in the mythical word of Percy Jackson. I have always been fascinated by Greek Mythology. One of the perks of being a teacher is I can read kids' books and get away with it.

But I have been drawn back to reading What Happens When Women Walk in Faith. to quote Lysa "My friend, I don't know the circumstances of your life. I don't know the dream God has given you. Perhaps you don't either...yet. But I do know you have this book in your hands for a reason. God has a plan for you." When I was a girl I know God breathed a dream into my heart and I have embraced it, ignored it, and flat out ran from it at various times of my life. Well it's been over 25 years and I am still waiting for the dream to unfold. About 7 years ago I decided to stop pushing it away and embrace it once again. I would love to say that it has been easy and quick, but it has been heart wrenching and long, very long. See it hasn't happened yet and there are times when I wonder if it ever will.

This section is a page long, but it speaks to God using the woman who can surrender the inadequacies and circumstances to Him. Believe me this can be so hard. As awful as they are they are our own twisted form of a comfort blanket. Their thin layer of cloth seems to hold the inadequacies in and we think keeps anyone else from seeing them. But I doubt that they are as powerful as all that. Sure people don't see so much of the hurt and pain of our lives when we wrap ourselves in the blanket, but just seeing an adult wrapped up in a baby blanket might just be a clue that we have them.

I had, and unfortunately still have, so many inadequacies that need to be surrendered. As long back as I can remember I always felt inadequate. I remember on the playground in elementary school feeling left out, over looked, and just plain wrong. We lived on a farm outside of town and we didn't have lots of money. My dad wasn't a huge part of my life growing up. Boys didn't seem to like me the way they liked my friends. My middle school boyfriend, who I know is a pastor now and probably a great husband and father, broke my heart. One day he just decided to stop talking to me and told my friends that I should have just figured it out that we had broken up. So I wasn't even worth telling in person that he didn't like me any more.

That "relationship" tainted every one that came after, which weren't many. In high school and college I had no idea how to act around guys and ended up seeing each one that I liked end up with someone else. I grew up, became a teacher, and threw myself into my job. I gained weight, got frumpy, wore glasses (nothing wrong with glasses), and let my hair just go. I hid! I decided that the dream was dead and I had better just get used to it. Like I said 7 years ago I decided to embrace the dream again. It has been long and God has had to do some serious heart work on me.

In the last 4 or 5 years I have made so much progressed and thought God was opening up the dream and I was so excited, scared, and so very ready. But the dream didn't open up the way I hoped and I will admit I still hurt over it. I struggle to believe that there even is a dream, and that I am even worthy of it if there is. It has set me back and I have fallen off the wagon in the last year or so. I have started to find myself hiding again, but I want to come out and embrace the dream again.

So I am trying to get back into working out, not my favorite thing, and I need to make a hair appointment. I am trying to spend more time with God and let His love wash over me and flow from me. I picked up this book and started reading it and decided to blog about it. I didn't mean to write all that above, but it just poured out. I guess by writing them down for anyone one to see is my way of surrendering them. I hope it is. I want to be used by God, to not only dream the dream He has given, but live the dream, and dream some more.

1 comment:

mindy said...

Thanks for sharing with us. You have a gift for writing and expressing your thoughts so well. I soooo know what you mean about waiting for a dream. I have a sermon I'd like for you to listen to- it's Joe McGee and I just listened to it a few nights ago. It pertains to this very thing. I'll send you a link.