I really should be getting ready for work this morning, but I have had a bad few days. Two nights ago I cried, no I sobbed myself to sleep. How can someone else's good news send a person to sobbing? Honestly, I don't know how I can be truly happy for her and devastated at the same time, but I am. I cried so much that I really started to think, "How do I even have any tears left in me!"
Of course yesterday I woke up with a splitting headache and swollen eye lids. They looked grotesque as I was putting makeup on them. I had to go to work when all I wanted to do was stay curled up in bed and not see anyone. No such luck! I'm a teacher, from the moment I enter work until I leave there are people around me. The only benefit of teaching when you are upset is from the moment the kids enter the room until they leave I have no time to think about anything outside of school. My brain is too busy thinking of the million teacher things, including "why in the world did that kid just do that?" (Aside, I have been doing that more this school year than any other. It's going to be a long year!)
Even before getting to school I was driving to school. The music was on and I had no desire to listen to music about God, so I turned it off. The silence was worse. I felt like I was stuck in a silent, dark box...um well I was. So I turned the music back on and God started talking to me. He started asking me questions through the song so I answered. Thankfully, my drive to work is in the dark for most of it and there is little traffic on my route, because I was screaming at the radio. I was telling Him exactly how I was feeling and all of His shortcomings.
I heard that gasp. No lightening didn't strike me and no, it isn't sacrilegious. Do you really think the One who created all doesn't know our thoughts and feelings before we even have them? I am in a relationship with Him and in relationship I am supposed to do real. So, I am!
After school, I went home and tried to just think about anything else. I had already had my fit and had endured a day of school, emphasis on endured, and I just wanted to relax. But I kept feeling this nudge to blog about it. I didn't want to. Why would I want to admit my extreme feelings and my screaming fest? Well, I guess it has something to do with the whole "even if my voice shakes" thing that this blog is supposed to be about. But I didn't.
This morning I woke up to the alarm, which thankfully is music and not a horrific blaring noise. The song, which I have never heard before, and I can't remember the words somehow moved me for another honest moment with God. No, I didn't yell at Him. I simply told Him the truth. I told Him, that I just don't believe Him for this. I have seen nothing, experienced nothing to make me believe Him about this situation. I sighed and knew that He already knew that. He already knows that I am struggling, this is no shock to Him. I'm not mad, not now. I am sad and trying to find Him in this, because He is there. He is right in the middle of my situation. He has it. I can't see that right now, but I know in my heart that He has this. I just wish He would be quicker about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment