Trying to Figure Out How to Deal With the Feelings

Lately I've been feeling, I don't know what word fits best, but not right works. I try really hard to balance my feelings. There was a time when I would stuff all my feelings down and ignore them. That by the way is not healthy. So a few years ago I decided to let God heal me and help me feel again.

The healing process can be a painful one. Stuffed feelings tend to grow infections all over your heart, and my heart was green with gangrene. God had to gently remove the yuck, but even though He was gentle it hurt. It hurt a lot! I spent so much time crying, most of the time I didn't even know what I was crying about. Even though it was one of the worst times in my life it was also the best. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I know that God was working so even though it hurt I knew it was making me better.

Since then I have done my best not to stuff my feelings, sometimes that is really hard. I do not enjoy feeling the bad feelings, and I want to stuff them so badly. Lately, I have been feeling those bad feelings: lonely, sad, angry, and hopeless. I have wanted to stuff those feelings away, and sometimes I do. That hasn't helped, because I have continued to feel the yuck feelings, and the effects of stuffing.

My problem now is having the emotions and figuring out how to deal with them. Do I just wear them on my sleeve? Do I put them away when I need to do my job and let them out when I'm not at work? Do I just go through my life, feeling them, and not letting them overwhelm me? That would probably be the right answer, but as a former stuffer I still don't know how to do that.

I want the yuck feelings gone. I want my prayers to work and for me not to be sad, to not miss people, to not be overwhelmed by my job, etc. I figure I have feel these feelings for some reason. I just wish that I didn't. I wish that the people I miss weren't gone to be missed. I wish my job wasn't so stressful so I didn't get overwhelmed. I wish I wasn't feeling sad and lonely.

Why this post? I've said it before that posting is like my therapy so maybe that's why I posting. Maybe somehow it is helping me deal with those emotions and feelings that I don't know how to deal with.