Friday, September 28, 2012

The Vulnerability of Complete Surrender

When I used to live 5 minutes from work I loved the fact that I never felt rushed to get to work. I loved being able to go to events at school just 5 minutes before they started and it only taking the same number of minutes to get home afterwards. It made evening events not so bad, I still had much of the evening to myself. I was close enough to go to Kate's Skate nights, school restaurant nights, and such. It was convenient.

Now I live in my blessing of a house. I love my home and I thank God for it almost every single day. My drive is longer and I must cross 74 to get to work. Depending on what time of day it is that can be a bit of a wait. Too close the 7 AM and the cars are backed up for quite a ways and it can take 2 lights to get over 74. It makes going to evening school events very inconvenient, but it does allow me the time to pray that I need so much.

Since I started driving, I have been a car prayer. Of course that's the only place that I pray. For whatever reason it is one of the most special places for me to pray. Now my trip to and from work is closer to 20 minutes and I get to talk to God both ways, if I'm not singing, which I'm really good at in the car. :)

This morning as I drove to work I was praying. I was praying about surrender. I was asking God to help me to surrender so many things in my life right now that seem to be crowding into my thoughts and feelings lately. It was a good time of prayer and it reminded me of an incredible instance in my life.

When I was a senior in college I prayed a prayer that resulted in something that I had never experienced before or since. I do not remember the why of this prayer. I don't remember what events were happening at that time. I just remember the prayer and the results. I prayed a prayer of surrender, total surrender. I have prayed to surrender parts of my life before this prayer and also since. This time was different.

The difference was the results. Instantly I felt a peace like none I have known before. That peace was followed by a complete sense of rawness, exposure, vulnerability. It was an amazing sense of knowing that at that moment anyone or anything could rip me to shreds, and yet having the knowledge that I was totally in God's hands. This amazing experience only lasted a day, but it was a long day. I went about my classes, hanging with my friends, and being a senior in college, and the whole time this dual vulnerability/peace in His hands was also being experienced that day. The next day the stripped away feeling was no longer there, but I still knew that I was in a total surrender state.

I only know of one other person who has experienced this, I'm sure there have been others, maybe many others. I only know of one. I know about Carrie's experience because after my experience I told her about mine. A few days later she told me that she didn't understand what I experienced until she prayed the same prayer and experienced the same sense of total surrender and vulnerability.

Like I said, even though I have prayed to surrender to God since then I have never had that experience again.  Part of me is glad that I haven't, it was extremely hard, and part of me wishes I would. As hard as that experience was, the fact that I knew I was completely in God's hands overshadow any other feelings or fears of that day.

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