I Am Mad at God, and No Lightening Has Not Struck Me

I really should be getting ready for work this morning, but I have had a bad few days. Two nights ago I cried, no I sobbed myself to sleep. How can someone else's good news send a person to sobbing? Honestly, I don't know how I can be truly happy for her and devastated at the same time, but I am. I cried so much that I really started to think, "How do I even have any tears left in me!"

Of course yesterday I woke up with a splitting headache and swollen eye lids. They looked grotesque as I was putting makeup on them. I had to go to work when all I wanted to do was stay curled up in bed and not see anyone. No such luck! I'm a teacher, from the moment I enter work until I leave there are people around me. The only benefit of teaching when you are upset is from the moment the kids enter the room until they leave I have no time to think about anything outside of school. My brain is too busy thinking of the million teacher things, including "why in the world did that kid just do that?" (Aside, I have been doing that more this school year than any other. It's going to be a long year!)

Even before getting to school I was driving to school. The music was on and I had no desire to listen to music about God, so I turned it off. The silence was worse. I felt like I was stuck in a silent, dark box...um well I was. So I turned the music back on and God started talking to me. He started asking me questions through the song so I answered. Thankfully, my drive to work is in the dark for most of it and there is little traffic on my route, because I was screaming at the radio. I was telling Him exactly how I was feeling and all of His shortcomings.

I heard that gasp. No lightening didn't strike me and no, it isn't sacrilegious. Do you really think the One who created all doesn't know our thoughts and feelings before we even have them? I am in a relationship with Him and in relationship I am supposed to do real. So, I am!

After school, I went home and tried to just think about anything else. I had already had my fit and had endured a day of school, emphasis on endured, and I just wanted to relax. But I kept feeling this nudge to blog about it. I didn't want to. Why would I want to admit my extreme feelings and my screaming fest? Well, I guess it has something to do with the whole "even if my voice shakes" thing that this blog is supposed to be about. But I didn't.

This morning I woke up to the alarm, which thankfully is music and not a horrific blaring noise. The song, which I have never heard before, and I can't remember the words somehow moved me for another honest moment with God. No, I didn't yell at Him. I simply told Him the truth. I told Him, that I just don't believe Him for this. I have seen nothing, experienced nothing to make me believe Him about this situation. I sighed and knew that He already knew that. He already knows that I am struggling, this is no shock to Him. I'm not mad, not now. I am sad and trying to find Him in this, because He is there. He is right in the middle of my situation. He has it. I can't see that right now, but I know in my heart that He has this. I just wish He would be quicker about it.

Innocent Pictures Cause Tailspin of Thoughts

Just when you think you have moved past something, gotten over someone, dealt with a past hurt, something triggers and you are right back there. Know what I mean?

The other day my computer did something weird and for whatever reason it started showing a very old screen saver that I had. It is a series of pictures. I do not have my computer set to use that screen saver and haven't for years. So the computer starts doing weird things and all of a sudden this screen saver comes across my screen. Besides wondering why my laptop has decided to be demon possessed I am freaking out, yup freaking out, over the pictures rolling across my screen. Those pictures sent my heart into my throat!

Okay, so hit the enter button and all is right in laptop world, and has been ever since. My mind though is on a downward spiral. Feelings I had laid at Jesus' feet came rushing all at once. Memories flashed through my mind connected with the pictures. I was sort of in shock. I mean I had given Him all of this and had been at such peace about it all for so long I really thought I was "over it". I guess not.

Okay, needed to pray and get myself back in a peaceful place. That minor crisis averted. Then a few days later a picture shows up on Facebook. A innocent picture that in and of itself wasn't anything to cause an issue. It really is a very nice picture. (And no it wasn't one of those pictures that makes me hate Facebook.) But that picture sent me reeling. I actually was having trouble breathing! My mind went into another tailspin and my thoughts became consumed. That went on for a couple of days, literally my dreams became filled with these thoughts.

Then I decided that I can't let my thoughts rule me. I prayed that God would help me get my thoughts in the right place. Each day since I have to make that decision again. I need to leave it to God. It is an impossible situation and if it is to change it will take the hand of God.

Have I struggled with my thoughts since? Yes, yes I have. Do I need to give it to God over and over again? Yes! I can say that it has gotten easier each time that I place those thoughts where they belong. In His hands.

Weird Ponderings

"Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3 (ESV)

Maybe I am just weird or maybe other people wonder about this too. I wonder about "That Thing" that people find annoying about me. You know how everybody has that one thing, some have many one things, that they do that drives other people crazy. For example, I have known more than my share of people who come into a room and just start talking. They don't care that others were already in a conversation. It's like they think that everyone just sits around silently waiting for them to come and start talking. Are they even aware that they do this? I think the ones I've known have absolutely no clue.

So sometimes I wonder what my thing is. I don't like the idea that I have something that drives people crazy but I know I do. Now I know I can be passive aggressive, really trying to not be, and I know I sometimes don't say things when I should, that I can be vague. I know about those things and a few others. Still I wonder what the other thing or things are. Now, I'm not inviting people to tell me. I don't think my ego could take that. I'd rather leave that up to God to do in His timing.

Sometimes I wonder if that is what the verse above might be talking about, well in part. I know my flaws and still notice theirs. I make comments about them or judge them. But I wonder if it also is talking about how we notice other people's obvious flaws but we have a huge flaw that everyone else notices but we have no clue about.

Okay, I know this post seems random, but I honestly have wondered about this for years. Today I was thinking about it on the ride home from work and thought I'd blog about it. Maybe someone else is like me and wonders about this too.

I Hate Facebook!

Yup, I really do. I hate Facebook! Hate is a strong word, but in this case it is true. The irony is I check Facebook almost everyday. Well, the truth it isn't Facebook's fault at all. Let me explain.

Facebook is full of reminders of what the have-nots don't have and want. I know people who want children, I am one of them, but some of them can't have them for medical reasons. At least once a day there is a post about a child's birthday, first tooth, expected arrival, potty training successes, and on and on and on. The posts I can glance at move on, but my mouse is demon possessed. It never fails that at least once a day it manages to hovers over the right side of the screen where people's likes and have commented shows up. (What is that part called? I remember when it came out and people hated it.) A picture of a cute baby or family pops up or a comment about some kid I don't even know is staring me in the face. I move the mouse as fast as I can.

I understand that longing that grabs hold and makes me whole being want to cry, and I am sure other people feel it too. What's worse is what I scrolled over today, by accident. I friend liked or commented on some one's photo. The photo popped up and had a caption, gotta love the caption. It was of a baby's first birthday and surrounding the baby where five, yes five siblings. The caption said something about it being her birthday and how incredible blessed they were. Two of the siblings were obviously adopted. So not only has this person been blessed with four children of her own, she and her husband have even adopted two children. That photo sent me here to finally post about how much I hate Facebook.

Then there are the "today I am celebrating "fill-in the blank" years married to my best friend". I hate those even more. It really feels yucky, and that is not a strong enough word, to know that so many people have found their best friend, married him or her, and have been together for years, most are double digits, because I'm old and my friends have been married a long time.

By the way, this is a pity party post, and I hate that too, but I'm trying to be open and honest and this is what I need to post about right now.

Now, I don't want people to stop posting these great posts about their babies, children, and spouses. Well, maybe part of me does. :) People should share these wonderful blessings in their lives. And they better realize how truly blessed they are! Because the posts I really hate and make me want to pull people's hair out is when they complain. Yeah, those "my kids are driving me crazy" and "my wife/husband really annoys me when she/he does..." posts. I know people can be annoying. I know kids can drive you crazy. I know that sometimes people feel frazzled and worn out and cranky. But complaining about those blessings that so many people long for that drives me to the edge. (I know that have complained on Facebook about things that I should consider a blessing, like work, and it is wrong and I'm working on it.)

So, now you know why I hate Facebook. But I'm sure that I'll be checking it soon to catch up on today's news. And once again, writing these posts help me deal with the feelings. I could bottle them up like I've always done or I can post them. So I post them. :)

Not Liking the Destruction

I really hate destruction! I hate destruction in families. I hate destruction in friendships. I hate destruction in any kind of relationship; work-place ones, teams, groups, churches whatever.

I know that people grow and change and some things in their lives change as they grow. I mean a football player can't be a senior in high school forever. Kids grow up and become adults. They go to school, get jobs, move away. I am not talking about the natural kind of maturing that takes place that brings about change.

Neither am I talking about the change that comes when God tells you to move. He tells you to step out in faith on something and sometimes that moves you out of the comfort of home, the workplace, or the church you attend. That is called obedience and even though it is hard it is important to obey the One who calls.

But destruction seems to be a theme lately, at least in my little world. I haven't suffered from any destruction, but it has affected me. Knowing that a father and son have experienced destruction in their relationship hurts my heart. Knowing that something happened to cause a divide between friends makes me sad. Knowing that something caused a break in a church grieves me.

Maybe the worse part of it all is that I know of the effects, the end results, but I do not know what caused it. It could just be that I'm nosey and it really isn't any of my business anyway. That is very possible! Yet I keep thinking if I just knew what happened, if I could just understand maybe it would be easier. Of course, that probably isn't true at all. It wouldn't change what happened and it actually might make the way I feel worse.

The one thing that gives me hope is I know some of those involved love God. I cling to the scripture that says, "and we know that all things work together for good to those that love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28 NKJV) Those that love God need to continue to, they need to continue to turn to Him and to His purposes. Then they can rest assure that even though it looks bleak it will work together for good, maybe nothing like they expect but good none the less.

Unfortunately not everyone who has suffered in their relationship loves God. I pray all the time that they would love God, that they would turn to Him. There is nothing more that I can do. I do not like the helpless feeling of that. I am not a big have-to-have-control type of person. I am quite the opposite, but in this I wish I had some sort of control that somehow I could fix it, making it all better.

One thing is for sure, all this destruction has led me to a different level of talking with God about everything. I hope that it does the same for those who love Him. I hope that those who need Him will be drawn to Him.

Hit By a Ton of Emotional Bricks

The last few days have hit me like a ton of bricks, and they hit hard! School stuff, emotions, and feelings I haven't felt for a long time all on a collision course for my heart and all struck at the same time.

I cried my way to work yesterday and couldn't have told anyone why because it was such a mix bag of things. Last night I woke up with night terror so bad that I sat on my bed with my heart pounding so hard in my chest that it made my head hurt. I woke up this morning sad and after feeding the furry babies cried myself back to sleep over something that I had given God such a long time ago and have gained such peace from Him. It wasn't the same, I didn't pick it back up, no it was different. It was like crying over a death from long ago that memories, good memories, stirred up remembrance.

As I got up I know I had a lot of cleaning to do. I opened Rhapsody on my computer and went to my cleaning standby, TobyMac. Who wouldn't be motivated to keep at even a ugh task as cleaning while listening to Toby? Well, today it aggravated me. I put down the dust rag and changed the music. I can't say it is better, still listening to it. It is good music, at least I think so, but the words are tearing me raw. The words feel like lies, but they aren't. The words whispering in my mind tell me they are but I know there not. I just need my heart to get where my brain already is.

I will keep cleaning when I'm done, but I knew I needed to sit down and write this. Not that I want to. I really don't like crying and admitting crying is even worse. I don't like sharing deep down me. I don't like hitting "publish" at the end of many of my posts, but I know that God has asked me to share my heart in this way. So I'll try to pour out what I can't even understand and put into words.

So the school stuff, last year I had a very stressful year. I had students who weren't behavior problems in the typical sense at least. I had OCD, ADHD, Autism, Emotional Disturbed, Learning Disabled, Anxiety Disorder, and many unnamed issues in my room. I felt like a punching bag each day. I felt pulled in a million needy directions. I had tears to deal with, some over hurt feelings and others over angry outbursts day in and day out. I honestly wanted to quit. I thought I would never teach another year. I thought I couldn't. The crazy thing was I loved these kids. They were needy and they needed me. The last day came and they all left after their promotion ceremony and I thought "next year will be so much easier!" I mean it had to be! Well, I got the class list and all dreams of a year without any such problems mocked me from the sheet of names. It isn't the kids themselves that are the issue. I guess the issue is I hoped that I finally was getting my due. I have had this type of class for years, I can't even count how far back. I guess I was hoping beyond hope that this year would be different. That this year the power that be would think I had suffered enough and needed a break. That didn't happen.

The emotions and feelings, well I already mentioned crying myself back to sleep this morning. The other day I put my pictures back up of the niece and nephews, one of Riley, and then I put up two of "my boy". I thought I could just hang them but the roll of emotions that went over me as I did made me stop and turn away. He isn't in my life, besides me reading the occasional Facebook post, and he isn't the boy that he was. Maybe I miss the memory of who he was most. Maybe I miss the hugs he readily gave or the smile that lit up his whole face. Maybe I miss a memory, a dream, maybe.

I also miss a feeling. A feeling that brought a smile to my face and a soaring to my heart. I miss a blossoming of something good, something I had never had before. Then it changed! Suddenly without any warning. Like running into a brick wall that wasn't there a second before. I tried to push against that wall and it just added another layer of brick. Finally the wall was so thick there was no point any longer. When it got there, or I finally realized how thick it had become, I totally turned it all over to God. He replaced it with a peace like I never expected and I felt light and free. So why the good memory stir today to push me to tears that rolled thickly down my face? I don't know!

Maybe it is what all struggle does. Struggle either draws you to Christ or it builds up a wall of its own inside of you. Right now I don't want to draw close to Christ. How's that for honesty for you? But I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I don't want it to build a wall in me. Maybe that's why I need to write this, need to post this. Maybe that will help me turn to Christ. I hope so.

You Are Invited!

Ready or not, and I'm pretty sure I'm not ready, but next Tuesday will be my first "Open House". I really don't know what to call it so that's it until a better name comes along. :)

So, August 21st at 6:00 PM my house is open to anyone who wants to come for dinner, time to read The Word, and talk about it. When I say anyone I mean anyone. Christian or not, church goer or not, married or not, parent or not, anyone is welcome to come. Kids are welcome too. They will be part it, not separated, so if you bring them know that.

If you want to come, come! If you want to bring something like a side, bread or salad would be great. Or you could bring drinks like soda, tea, or juice. If you have a Bible bring it, if not I have a few you could choose from. Do me a big favor, please, and let me know so I can make sure I have enough food ready.

Now my school friends are thinking that I'm nuts! This is the first full week of Teacher Workdays as we get ready for school to start. It is a super busy time and hectic and would seem like the worst time to do this, but I know it is the right time. This is the perfect time because I shouldn't let busyness keep me from God, from spending time with Him, or spending time with others.

I will be cleaning, organizing, and pray for next Tuesday!